


There, but for a grace

by Lightlylightly



Category: Wentworth - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-06-14 23:57:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15400446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightlylightly/pseuds/Lightlylightly
Summary: Bea Smith is living a half-life after the death of her daughter when she stumbles on Allie: high, fast approaching unconsciousness  and totally alone.





	1. Let me know the way

Allie sniffs. She's had too much and nothing feels very certain anymore. But the sun is still out, glaring at her, hurting her eyes. She averts them, focusing instead on her shaking hands.

She needs to sit. She needs to sort out her life. Or maybe she'll just take more so she doesn't need think.

The grass is damp but she sinks into it anyway. Because if she doesn't sit down she'll fall down.

It's dark - but only just. There's time still. She'll go back and see Maria again when it's been darker longer. Suck it up. Get more gear. 

She just needs time. To soften the hard edge of Maria's indifference. The gear helps because it makes everything matter less. But laying there she thinks she overdid it this time. And her head is a hazy muddle of anger and uncertainty.

She hears herself giggle but it's a disjointed sound which issues from her, but somehow doesn't feel like her own. Her laugh sounds strange and harsh. And her lip smarts where his fist hit her.

She doesn't notice the sun go. But suddenly it's pitch black. Cold. Something clenches inside her. But she doesn't want to give fear any room room inside her head. 

Allie knows she's had too much. She is so tired. She stretches out on the grass and feels the cold seep in. Sleeping will help. 

She feels a kick. This morning's asshole? She told Maria she's not fucking going back to see him. But she will. 

"What the fuck?"

She opens her eyes, trying to swallow down the nausea that she can feel ascending. Angry brown eyes soften as they stare down at her. 

Not this morning's asshole, then.

She reaches out a hand to touch the beautifully concave curve of a cheekbone. She feels the women flinch back and her face is gone, as if it were a mirage.

Allie sighs. Some stupid, childish part of her just wants to reach out and touch someone. To be touched back with care. Her head is a mass of needles and she thinks she might be sick. 

Seconds later a cellphone light blinks alive, it's brightness jarring. Her stomach recoils at the blaze of brightness and she feels someone turning her on her side as she vomits. And then a hoarse voice with an edge of shock pushes back the damp, cold hair from her face, wipes her mouth and kneels next to her.

"Jesus! Are you... okay?"

Allie nods, more confused than anything else. Her mouth washed awake with the cloying chemical taste of vomit. Where did this gorgeous women materialise from? 

And can she stay?

"Just tired." She answers honestly. 

"What happened?" The women asks, her lip pale and colourless between her teeth. Her hair a wild profusion of brilliant, curling red against carved cheekbones and deep brown eyes. Gorgeous. 

"Jesus - you're gorgeous." Says Allie and watches in fascination as a beautiful flush makes its way up the women's face and neck. So beautiful.

The gorgeous redhead feeds her some sips of water, and she blinks tiredly. Now that she's been sick her headache has receded and she's just exausted.

She hears the women mutter indistinctly and she wants to stay awake because she loves looking at her. Soft hands touch her cheek, her lip. She wants to kiss them but she's so, so tired.

"Wake up!" Says a voice that feels like a hand on her cheek. And though she hears the strains of panic (and though she's desperate to see that face again) she's just too tired.

\-------

For the third day in a row Bea skives off work and arrives at the hospital promptly at 9am for the start of visiting hours.

She sits on the uncomfortably hard chair, listening to the beeping of the machines, the faint sounds of voices and loudspeakers outside. And the gentle, steady the breaths of the girl.

She didn't have any ID, they said. And there didn't seem to be any matching missing persons descriptions either. But she is someone. She belongs to someone. So Bea ignores the fact that she fucking hates hospitals and was fucking well needed at work (a direct quote from Franky) and continues to sit. 

She'd wanted some peace when she'd left the house that night. To escape from the weight of the court case which haunted the air. Echoing off Franky's face, Bridget's face. In everything they said and did for her. Every silence thick with the things they wanted to say: are you okay? Are you okay? 

She wouldn't ever be okay again. But if it was over, if he was in for good, then at least she could be alone. To remember Deb properly. To watch her ex husband get led away with his arms cuffed behind his back.

It was no life. But she didn't expect anything anymore. Just to keep remembering her daughter. To hold onto the past and never let go of her little girl. 

And then while she was out trying to clear her brain she found this girl. And things changed.

"Why the fuck am I here?" She asks the room at large. And her eyes go back to the women who lays unconscious before her.

She looks young. Early to late twenties. And she was unsettlingly pretty. The kind of unusual loveliness that made the asshole paramedic comment inappropriately on it. But she was hurt too. Battered. Her lip was split, her eye blackened, and she'd seen bruises on her forearms, Some asshole. Someone else's Harry.

She was on drugs too. Like Debbie. They'd pumped something through her. Talked about charcoal if she awoke. They said she would eventually. That her brain activity was normal, thank goodness.

But she hadn't woken up. 

Bea stood up, and allowed her fingers to crawl along the railing. The girl's hand lay next to it. Impulsively, Bea took it in hers. It was fever-warm and slightly grass stained. The girl's fingernails were grimy and bitten to the quick. Her skin was soft, though.

Bea reached over and felt her forehead. It felt rather warm too.

She reached over and pressed the call button. A few minutes later, a nurse appeared.

"She feels too warm." Said Bea.

She waited the minute it took for the thermometer, the girl's warm hand in her own.

"It's still within a normal range," said the nurse. I'll just do a couple of other quick checks.

When the nurse left Bea touched the girl's soft cheeks, her slightly sweating forehead. Temperature or not, She was definitely too hot.

Bea went to the sink and wet a tissue. She ran it over the girl's forehead and then over the rest of her face, avoiding the cut on her lip and the blackened eye.

Bea binned the tissue, sitting back down. Once seated she leans over the railing to grasp the girl's hand again.

The fingers twitch in hers, and then, suddenly the bluest eyes are darting back and forth from their joint hands to Bea's eyes.

Blushing, Bea dropped the girl's hand. Stared at her lap and tried desperately to think of something - anything - to say. 

"Uh - hi. I'm Bea." She made fleeting eye contact with the startlingly blue eyes and felt the her heart rate quicken.

The girl smiles at her, a little disoriented.but cheeky, too.

"As in c-d-e-f-g? She asks

A laugh escaped Bea before she notices it, a funny choking sound. She cleared her throat, embarrassed. But the girl's smile just widens.

"As in B-e-a." She clarified. What's your name?"

"Allie." The girl said, her face a strangely all-encompassing thing to behold. Bea finds herself unable to stop cataloging details about her; that her lips are full and meet in a prominent cupid's bow, that her cheeks were the most delicate pink. And her eyes...

Bea finds herself diving into her coat pocket for her phone. She looks at it, slightly puzzled. Why did she get it out? She wonders if it was to stop herself staring.

"Can I -uh -can I call someone for you."

Allie's smile dims noticeably. "Thanks. But no. Do you work here?"

Bea blushes again. Cursing her awkwardness

"No, no I just found you. You weren't responding then and It's- well - it's nice to see you." Allie raises a single eyebrow at her, grinning in implication and Bea could feel her face and neck scorch. She hastily adds "Awake, I mean."

Allie's eyes widen. "Oh." She says. "How long was I out?" She asks.

Bea reached out, unthinkingly takes the girl - Allie's - hand again. "Three days." She says. 

"Oh. You stayed with me, Bea? She looks stunned. Her eyes a little watery. 

"Yeah," says Bea, anxious to stop Allie's tears from falling but totally blanking on how. She flips Allie's hand around, stroking her soft palm. She doesn't know why; she doesn't do touching.

"Why did you stay with me?" Asks Allie. She grasps Bea's hand where it was stroking her hand and squeezes it. "Not that I'm not grateful for you doing it because you're literally my hero but I'm sure you had better things to do."

Bea drops the Allie's hand, cheeks aflame. But joy whirlpools up inside her at Allie's words. 

My hero. My hero. My hero. 

Bea doesn't really know why she skipped out on work for three days in a row. Can't justify it in her own mind, but she did it anyway.

"No, Allie. I just - I couldn't just leave you without a parent- or, well, somebody. And you had no ID."

Allie smiles at her, but there's little joy in it. "Haven't had parents in a long time." She says, too nochanlantly. Bea finds her hand travelling back of it's own accord to clasp Allie's.

"I did have a girlfriend." She says.  
But - I don't think I can go back." She won't mean to, but-"

"The drugs?" Bea whispers.

Allie nods. And Bea says no more. Some friend, leaving her in this state! She wants desperately to say something, because the silence is beginning to gape open into something unmanageable. And she wants badly to stay here.

"How-do you feel?" She asks, and taking in the split lip and bruised eye she immediately regrets it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

But Allie smiles. "Surprisingly okay. I mean, I could use some water-."

Bea darts up, ashamed she hadn't thought of that. Tripping over the rolling table and her own damn feet in her haste to get Allie some water. Flustered, she finds a plastic beaker and fills it up.

She slops some of it on Allie as she hands it to her. Because apparently she's the biggest idiot in the world.

"I'm sorry." She says tremulously. It's just water. But for some reason her heart is pounding in her chest and she just wants to cry,

"Bea?" Allie is looking at her, blue eyes warm.

"Yeah."

"Relax. I think you're amazing." She takes Bea's hand in hers. 

Bea opens her mouth and then closes it again, gold-fishing foolishly at Allie. Unsure of what she said or did that qualified her for that word.

Bea's not really sure what to say to that. So she smiles at Allie briefly, before redirecting her eyes to her lap. Allie's hard is warm and so soft in hers and the words are out before she even knows she's saying them.

"You could stay with me." She says.

Allie spits a mouthful of water down her front but doesn't seem to notice. And Bea wonders if she's said something hideously awkward. As usual.

"Why?" She says. "I'm a stranger. A stranger who you like to hold hands with, but-"

Bea relinquishes Allie's warm hand, her face the colour of sunburn.

"Sorry. I don't usually do that. Only with my...I just didn't know if you were going to be -" she wants to say okay. But the word gets caught and swallowed and she knows she absolutely can't say anything now or she'll burst into tears.

A hand strokes her cheek. Smooths her hair. And yanks her hand back into it's grasp. Bea cannot look up, but she feels relief crash through her. And she wants, wants, wants....

"I don't really do hand-holding either" says Allie thoughtfully, staring at their hands.

"My, well I guess if I don't go back, my ex - Maria. She only used that to get me to do things she wanted. So it stopped feeling good."

Bea's heart thumps. Ex-Girlfriend as in partner. Not just an old-fashioned word for friend, you idiot. Allie is gay. Like Franky. 

But... she thinks, feeling the warm, slim fingers as they cleave between her own, not at all like Franky. She glances up at Allie who smiles back at her.

"I'm sorry that your ex-girlfriend was a dickhead." Bea says.

Allie giggles, her face so open. Clasps her other hand. 

"Okay." She says. 

Bea blinks at her. 

"If it's still alright I'd love to stay with you. I can try and find a job, I can help keep it tidy - I can..."

"Don't worry about that for now." Husks Bea. "You're three days off drugs. Lucky you passed the worst of the cravings by when you were unconscious. Just... don't go back on them, please. Or you'll have to go."

Allie nods. Her eyes serious. 

"What will you do while I'm pottering around your house?"  
Bea sighs, her mind racing. She hasn't really thought this through.

"Be with me." Says Bea shortly. Then realised what she just said and blushes. Why does everything she says sound so wrong?

"I mean - I'm a hairdresser. You can come hang out with me there if you want? We have a back room. Magazines. Minimum exposure to Frankie is recommended."

"Frankie?" Allie asks.

"She's my flatmate. I'd say she was nice, but I don't want to lie to ya. Bit of a hardarse. But she's gone a fair bit. Girlfriend's house." 

Allie smiles. And then she leans over and kisses Bea on the cheek.

Bea cannot look at her. Her cheek tingles. 

"Thanks." Says Allie. "I don't know why on earth you're doing this."

"No problem." Says Bea to her lap.

She excuses herself to call Franky. But she can still feel the precise place where Allie kissed her.

"What's up, asshole?" Frabky demands. "Boomer told me you skipped work the last few days."

"Well-" Bea starts.

The last time you skipped work it was because you were a fuckin' disgusting germ incubator."

"Yes, but-"

"And back then WE had to demand you stayed home. Because you...

"Franky! My friend Allie needs somewhere to stay. She's days off drugs. I want her to stay in our spare room."

"The fuck?"

I walked into her. Literally. Passed out. Been at the hospital with her. Want her to have a chance, you know?"

Debbie hangs unmentioned between them. Gone, gone.

Bea knows Franky's heart. Knows that she's a good person as well as an asshole. And somehow knows she'll say yes. 

In a total asshole way.

"So, is she hot Bea?"

Yeah, Like that.

"I'm not gay, Frankie."

The words come out automatically, but for the first time she's not convinced by them.

"Your eyes fuckin' broken. Open them. Stare."

"Fuck off, Franky." 

But she knows she already does stare. At Allie's golden skin and flushed cheeks, her addictively knowing smile. She's very easy to stare at.

"Franky I gotta go. Thanks for letting Allie stay, yeah?

"Come on, Red. Hair colour, eye colour? Bra size?"

"Goodbye Franky."

But her mind is already going there. Because everything about Allie is riveting. She pushes the bra size question away, feeling shame at the way it loiters on the outskirts of her mind.

Allie is hot. By any definition of the word. Her hair is dark blonde, long and tangled. Her eyes are a beautiful blue that Bea's only seen in brochures for tropical islands. A colour so beautiful and so outside of her experience that she hadn't known it was real until - well - until Allie.

She pockets her phone and returns to Allie. She is sleeping now, lying on her side, both hands pressed to her heart. Her hair in her face. She looks luminous and untouchable and Bea wants - wants.

She wants to touch her.


	2. But all that I can think about is you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allie and Bea talk. Allie relishes making Bea blush. Bea stares and tries not to stare. Allie has no such compunction. Allie meets Franky. Franky is observant and also kind of an asshole. That's really all, sorry. I'm really good at dragging stuff out.

When Allie wakes again, Bea has her back to her. She's pacing the room, cellphone cupped between hand and jawline. She's casually dressed in dark skinny jeans and a white tee and her profile is one of the nicest things Allie has ever woken up to. Especially her backside in those gorgeously tight jeans. She wonders what delightful colour Bea would turn it she said that, but decides against it. She doesn't want to scare her.

"Yeah Franky. Five sounds good. They're working up her discharge papers now. Just text me when you're out there and we'll come out."

Franky must have said something crude because Bea ducks her head, her face, even half obscured, is decidedly red.

"Fuck's sake Franky, none of this with her, okay. Be nice."

There's a pause and Franky must say something that Bea finds un-satisfying.

"Oh god just - try not to be... I don't know, yourself?"

She pause again, listening. Then emits a husky chuckle, a low sound that Allie is fascinated by. She wants suddenly, badly, to make Bea laugh like that. To see her face. 

Her wish is granted mere moments later when Bea ends the call. 

"Okay Franky. See ya later." She says, jabbing at her phone.

She turns around and sees Allie awake. Oh shit.

"Well, hello there." Says Allie, taking in Bea's pink cheeks and surprised look.

Bea bites her lip, wondering exactly what embarrassing things Allie overheard. She looks down at her clasped hands and tries to think of something to say. Her heart races. And she can't for the life of her remember if she even said anything bad. Why can't she get her damn words out? Why oh why is she this terribly awkward person?

"Your friend sounds exactly as ya described her." Allie comments eventually, when it becomes evident that Bea isn't going to say anything.

Bea lets out a surprised laugh and Allie beams at her. Suddenly talking is within her reach once more.

"Yeah. Sorry. I told her she has to be nice to ya, but.... for Frankie that'll involve suppressing all of her natural instincts."

Allie giggles, smiling widely at Bea who manages to hold her eyes for a record eight seconds before looking instead at her own clasped hands. She moves to sit back down on the hard plastic chair next to Allie's bed. And then the finer details of her phone call surge back to her and she (finally) remembers some more information that she needs to say.

"Somewhere between pissing me off and pissing me off some more Franky said our spare room is ready for you."

Allie's eyes widen, and she looks almost stricken. 

"Oh! Thank you. I fully expected to be on the couch, or the floor. Or even in the bathtub. That's so nice of you both."

Sensing something like anxiety, Bea grasps Allie's hand in hers and squeezes it.

"Please. Even Frankie's not enough of an asshole to expose you to a night on our couch. And our spare room really is spare. You're welcome to it." 

Bea tries to think of a way to say she likes Allie's company, but finds the words too hard to say. 

Allie smiles sweetly at her. "I think you're the nicest thing that's ever happened to me." She says, and her cheeks, Bea notes, are slightly touched by red as well.

Bea squeezes Allie's hand once more and and rushes on, unsure what to do with the compliment. 

The nicest thing. God. 

"Oh. I spoke to the doctor and he's happy to discharge you if that's okay with you? Said he'll bring in some forms."

Allie nods, smiling. "Sure. I love a little autographing."

Bea chuckles, and then cringes, her hand coming up to her mouth cover the raspy sound which is still echoing from her mouth. God. Even her laugh sounds awkward.

"I like your laugh." Allie says, unexpectedly. And watches with delight as Bea's face predictably flushes red. 

Again Allie reaches out and squeezes Bea's hand. Bea cannot look up, so she stares at Allie's hand in her own and feels warm and off-kilter. And Red.

"Luckily I also like it when you blush." Says Allie, the damn mind reader.

"Fuck you." Says Bea, but without any intensity. She relinquishes her hand from Allie's grasp and tucks it under her legs, smiling uncontrollably at her knees. 

"So you can swear at me, but you can't look at me. Hmm." Says Allie. 

Bea giggles, peeking shyly at Allie from beneath her tumble of curls.

"I'm sorry." She says, brown eyes meeting blue. "I'm always a bit this way with people. Awkward."

Allie smiles at her. "You're fine. You may be talking to your knees half the time, but it's good stuff." 

"It's um, kneed to know." Says Bea from the corner of her mouth. Astonished that she said something so silly aloud.

It's a stupid pun. The kind of thing she used to say to Debbie. The kind of thing she doesn't say anymore. In this strange new version of life where most everything is grey.

Allie roars with laughter.

\-----------

Allie leaves the hospital with pitifully little. Her clothes, in a plastic bag, a bus card, and a couple of dollars. Bea had quickly determined that the clothes she'd come to hospital in were too far gone, so she hands Allie a hoodie and some tracksuit bottoms of her own and takes herself to get them both coffees. When she returns, Allie is sitting on the bed, swinging her legs (in Bea's tracksuit bottoms) back and forth.

"Sorry they're a little short." says Bea, as she hands Allie a coffee "Your legs are long."

Allie simple raises an eyebrow at Bea. The redhead's face flames.

"Fuck off, you know what I mean." She busies herself with handing Allie the three sugar packets she requested and blows on the top of her own coffee.

Allie manages to turn adding three sugars to her coffee and gesturing to her lower half into a seamless motion. And then she sticks out her tongue at Bea.

"What you mean is... you can't stop staring at my long legs?"

"Nah. It's not... you're tall. So your legs are just... long."

Allie grins cheekily at her. "So... the same thing I said, then?"

Bea just rolls her eyes. But Allie's legs ARE long. And as she has glanced at them a few times so she doesn't really know what to say.

Her phone beeps. Franky.

"Saved by the bell." Comments Allie wryly, as she chugs at her coffee.

Bea takes Allie's arm in hers and feels it prickle every nerve ending within her awake. She's very aware that Allie is still weak; hasn't left this room in days. She chucks her own coffee, half finished, into a passing rubbish tin. She wants her hands free to help Allie.

Self-consciously she puts her other arm around Allie's lower back and feels the warm weight of her as she takes the hint and leans gingerly into Bea's side. Together, they start walking. 

"I'm not getting your broken ribs, am I?" Bea asks worriedly as they progress slowly toward the lifts. She can't get over how warm Allie is. How easy it is to walk entwined together like this. 

Allie just smiles at her, a big, beautiful smile with teeth and eyes and softly flushed cheeks.

"Honestly Bea. You can have them. I don't care."

Bea smiles uncertainly at her, confused. But a bit pleased too.

When they reach Franky, she's clearly been watching them both for quite some time. Her smile is wide, and knowing.

"Hey Red. Looking very cozy there with that hot blonde."

Bea blushes, but keeps an arm around Allie, using the other one to give Frankie the finger.

"Allie, I did warn you she was a dickhead." She says, by way of introduction.

Allie nods at Frankie, and nudges Bea's shoulder with the top of her head in acknowledgement. "Ya did warn me, Bea. She's much as I expected." She pivots a little in Bea's arms and smiles at Frankie.

"Thanks for letting me stay in your spare room. I hope I'm not... I don't know, disrupting other plans for it."

Franky smiles at her. "No worries, blondie. We weren't about to turn it into a dedicated fuckin' sewing room or anything."

She then turns swiftly and accusingly to Bea.

"She's hot, Bea. You didn't tell me she was hot. D'you fancy her?"

"I fancy you letting her sit down, dickhead." Says Bea, wishing her cheeks would stop betraying her. "It's her first time on her feet in three days. She's probably tired."

"She is tired and she does fancy that." Says Allie. 

"And referring to herself in the third person?" Says Bea lightly as she leads her to Franky's car.

Allie laughs, allowing Bea to help her into the back seat. Bea then climbs in next to her, just to keep an eye. 

She waits expectantly for Franky to tell her off for making her feel like a "fuckin' taxi driver" but finds her instead staring at them both.

Franky, who has been watching them banter with avid interest, is briefly lost for words. But Bea knows it won't last.

"Holy shit Bea. You two are fucking adorable. I might puke."

Bea blushes and turns to apologise to Allie for Frankie being.... Frankie. 

It turns out that she doesn't need to, though. Because Allie is already fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments. They were better than donuts with sprinkles. And that's saying something, because I'm a sugar fiend. Seriously, you are all golden. 
> 
> Chapter title is from a song. "Chocolate and cigarettes" by Angus and Julia Stone.
> 
> This chapter is living breathing evidence of my inability to move the plot. I'm just having way too much fun watching Bea bumble around, Allie adore Bea and Franky attempt to call them on their crap. I'll try and actually change locations in the next chapter.
> 
> Oh. And just warning you I'm not usually this fast when releasing a new chapter. That said, enjoy it!


	3. Such reanimation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea, Allie and Franky drive home from the hospital. Bea is besotted and worried, Franky is agog. Allie remains both happy and sleepy.

The drive home from the hospital was always going to be a long one, and Bea is grateful when Allie falls quickly into sleep; the walk to the car a draining experience for her still-healing body. She watches Allie's peaceful face and wishes she too could sleep. But Bea's mind is still far too full. And Franky is being characteristically tactless.

"So, your girl's a hottie, Bea." Says Franky from the front seat.

Bea sighs, trying not to engage. If the worst Franky's going to do is call Allie hot then Bea can be the bigger person and ignore her. 

Probably.

Because she's not blind. Allie is beautiful. Denying that fact won't nullify it. It'll just make Bea look like a blind idiot.

Which she is anyway, she thinks ruefully. Every moment with Allie she's a red-cheeked, tongue-tied idiot. So stupidly paralysed by all the things she's feeling. 

Franky sees Bea go into her own head and tries again.

"It's not that I mind the extra eye candy, Red. But this is a pretty fucking crazy thing you're doing."

Bea knows that. Knows objectively that if Franky had come home and declared her intention to house a homeless drug-addict she'd be asking for the men in the white coats. Or a new housemate.

But it's Allie. And for some reason that makes it completely different. Bea looks across the seat at her, fast asleep, smiling, even now. Is she ever not smiling? It's disarmingly sweet and it makes looking away from her feel like a hardship. 

When Bea finally speaks there's no fight in her. Just the truth.

"I know, Franky. I don't think I'd do this for anyone except her. I just... want good things for her."

"You like her." For once there's no teasing quality in Franky's voice.

"I can't imagine anyone not liking her," replies Bea. 

Allie shifts in her slumber, her hair obscuring her face. Bea yearns to brush it back behind her ear. To see her lovely face again.

She hears Frankie snort, sees her eyes in her in the rearview mirror. "Fucking hell, Red. Do you look at her like that when her eyes are open?"

Bea turns to her, worried.

"Like what?"

"Adoring as fuck. You look disgustingly soppy."

Bea reddens. She has no idea what to say and she's terrified of Allie hearing this. Beautiful Allie, who has been through so much and doesn't need Bea and all her stupid, messy feelings.

She turns around and checks that Allie remains asleep. Her hair still obscures her face, But her hand is now stretched across the seat between them. Bea wants to hold it in hers; feels that would make this conversation easier, somehow. Which is ridiculous because it'd pretty much give Franky enough ammo to keep going on about this forever.

She looks up and sees Franky's eyes watching her in the rear view mirror again. Shit. She feels like a child caught with her hand in the biscuit jar. Immediately, She sits back and crosses her arms. Franky laughs.

"Jesus Red. You'd be the world's shittiest poker player. She can't hear you, ya dickhead. She's exausted."

Bea looks at Allie again, hears the soothing sound of her breaths and sees the tangle of dark blonde hair. 

"Oi dickhead. She may be dead to the world, but I'm not. You fancy her, obviously." 

"Fuck off, Franky." But she does. Oh, she does. 

"Well get your fuckin' fuck on, Red. You fancy the shit out of her."

Suddenly, Bea gets really annoyed.

"Jesus Franky. She's four days off drugs. She's covered in bruises and reading between the lines, her last girlfriend sounds just.. awful. Fucking give her a break. And While you're at it, give me one and stop suggesting things you know I'm not ready for."

Franky seems surprised by Bea's mini-explosion. She doesn't look chastened exactly (she doesn't seem to do chastened) but her voices softens. 

"Jesus Bea. I'm just teasing you. Chill out! And talk to me."

Glancing over at Allie to confirm once more that she's asleep, Bea, red from even the thought of this conversation, tries to explain herself. 

"I'm not gay, Franky. I'm not really anything."

"You're 'stay-the-fuck-away from me' in my experience," says Frankie. Bea nods, finds she cannot disagree with that statement. Since Harry she's avoids all that stuff as much as she can. She wants to try and articulate how different Allie feels, but she's not even sure how to start. She draws in breath and tries, anyway.

"But for some reason I really-" she turns worriedly to check Allie once more, and finds her still fast asleep. Her outstretched hand makes Bea feel warm and nervous. Makes her want things.

"I really like her." She finishes quietly. She can't look at Frankie, at Allie. It feels terrifying to have said it aloud.

"But-" she continues, "the fact that I really like her turns me into an idiot. I don't know what I'm doing, what she's thinking. Sometimes she looks at me and I can barely say my own name. And she's been through so much. She needs good friends right now. Nothing else."

She looks up to see Franky grinning smugly at her and feels a surge of irritation.

"And can you stop grinning, Franky! It makes me want to smack you."

Franky looks unconcerned, and grins wider. 

"I don't think I've ever heard you say so much in one sitting, Bea."

Bea shrugs. Embarrassed. "Don't repeat it," she says.

"Course I won't, Do you want my opinion, Red?"

"No." says Bea, more out of a habit than any real conviction. She needs someone else's thoughts on this. So it stops feeling so confusing.

"She fancies you too." I could tell that before you'd even got to the car. And she fucking likes it when you blush."

Predictably, Bea blushes.

"But like you said, she'll need time. And so will you, Red."

Bea nods. But something new and tentative nudges awake inside her. And she feels it all the way to her toes.

Hope.

The hope feels important, amidst her doubts. Her fears about Allie healing.

She'd had a scary meeting yesterday morning, between phone calls with Franky and visits with Allie. And though it's content made her shudder she wanted to keep it alive in her mind. To ensure that Allie would be okay.

\-----

Can I speak to you, Miss Smith?" asked the doctor. She nodded and stood up, leaving Allie to slumber on.

The doctors gestured to a small conference room and she followed him in. She'd been expecting this since she told the another of Allie's doctors that the drugged-out stranger she'd literally stumbled upon was coming home with her.

"I understand Miss Novak is coming home with you." He'd said. Bea nodded.

"That's - kind of you." He started. But she could already tell he had reservations. Strangely, Bea, cautious about every aspect of life, had none. Allie was coming home with her.

When Allie had first regained consciousness they'd both signed some paperwork. Essentially, so Bea didn't have to keep leaving the room when the doctors talked to Allie. 

Or about her, apparently.

"Miss Novak went through the withdrawals in an unconscious state. In the short term, that's easier for her." The doctor said.

Bea nodded, but she didn't really know. How could she? Her daughter didn't even tell her she was on drugs. She never saw a single sign of withdrawals. As far as she could tell, Debbie was her usual self. 

And then she was gone.

"... In a way, it's good." The doctor said. "Because the withdrawals are unpleasant, and they're what restart most people misusing drugs, so she's avoided that."

He didn't say 'for now' but Bea heard it anyway. And fear gnawed at her insides. She'd keep Allie safe. She had to.

"what can I do to help her?" She asked anxiously.

"The misuse of drugs is still her default," says the doctor. "So watch her, care for her, get her some counselling if you can. She needs to develop some non-chemical means of processing life's challenges. We've made some referrals on her behalf, but those will take a while."

Bea nodded. She'd made a mental note to talk to Bridget and see if she knew anyone Allie could talk to.

She had to keep her safe

\------

"Allie, wake up. We're home."

But Allie knows, even hazy and half asleep that she doesn't have a home, hasn't for a long while. She grunts dispassionately, refusing to move.

A hand settles on her cheek, stroking gently. "Allie, sweetheart. I know you're beyond tired. Open your eyes." 

She does, because all of a sudden she remembers Bea. Her brown eyes, endlessly blushing skin, and her crooked, nervous smile. The way it blooms into a beautiful full-out grin when she forgets to be scared.

She knows, after that, that she isn't waking into her usual nightmare. And she can't quite believe it. instead, she's greeted by something much more like a dream. 

But it's real.

And... did Bea just call her sweetheart?

She opens her eyes. And Bea's brown eyes stare down at her. She's still in the car. Still has her seatbelt on. But they're... home?

The word is so warm, and so is the voice that brings her back to herself.

"Hi sleeping beauty." Says Bea. And Allie can't do anything with herself but smile wordlessly at Bea.

"Hi." She says, radiating happiness at Bea's unexpected choice of nickname.

Bea smiles down at her. "She speaks." She says. "Unbuckle yourself. Allie. Then you can sleep again."

Allie nods, and does it. Then Bea takes her hand and guides her inside. "Welcome home." Says Bea quietly, squeezing at the hand she is holding.

Allie feels a bit dazed. She's homeless. She was homeless, at least. But suddenly, she isn't anymore. She lets Bea lead her up the stairs and into a sunny, yellow room. And she feels both completely happy and completely exhausted, stifling yawns and smiles interchangeably. 

Bea shakes her head at her. "You're the only person I know who still smiles when she's sleepy." She says, watching with amusement as Allie stifles another yawn.

"I would say make yourself at home," Bea continues, "but I think you're too far gone for that. Want to get into bed?"

Allie's limbs feel weighted with tiredness, her brain a hazy, heavy mess. But she finds she can't not respond to that comment.

"I bet you say that to all of the girls." She says, climbing into the bed.

Bea's face goes beautifully pink and Allie says joyously "I made you blush!"

"For like the seventeenth time today." Says Bea. 

Allie giggles delightedly. " it's my favourite thing!" She says. 

Bea smiles at her. "You're weird." she says, but gently, softly. With a certain reverence slipping into the words.

She perches herself on a stool near the edge of Allie's bed.

"Light is next to you, on the table." she gestures toward it." And there's also water and some electrolytes. The hospital suggested them." She adds.

"My room is next to yours. So feel free to come and find me when you wake up again." 

She lingers for a second, looking awkward. And Allie, sleepy, happy and feeling so safe leans over to where she sits and kisses her on the apple of her cheek. 

"Thank you, Bea." She murmurs. And within minutes she's fast asleep again. Leaving Bea sitting next to her, looking stunned but delighted. her left cheek tingling pleasantly.

Bea heads back downstairs to the kitchen to make herself a coffee. She knows she's smiling. The Allie effect, she thinks. 

She doesn't know much of Allie's story yet, but there's little so far that's warranted a smile. When she met her she'd seen the darkest parts of her in some ways. Addiction. Neglect by those around her. The fading bruises and marks on her face and body. 

And yet Allie, four days off drugs, newly released from hospital, seems radiate nothing but joy and light.

She wonders if it's the shock of the change. If it'll fade sometime soon, to be replaced by the cravings that led her into Bea's life in the first place. 

But even as she wonders that, she doesn't think it's true. Allie's warming presence exists despite all the crap she's been through, not as a reaction to it. And that will not change. Allie will continue to be bright and funny; to have the sunniest, most open smile for those in her life.

And Bea gets to see that, she gets to see it every day.

Bea wishes she had the courage to explain to Allie how much she likes that about her. 

How much she's come to need it. 

 

 

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter was a medieval torture device. Got there in the end, though.
> 
> Title is from 'The Curse' by Josh Ritter.


	4. Take my arms (that I might reach you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea wakes Allie and embarrasses herself. Allie thinks of nicknames for Bea. Bea is awkward and delighted. Franky makes things uncomfortable.
> 
> And something happens...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than usual, but I think it does what it needs to.
> 
> Thanks so much to those who have commented or sent kudos. You're all amazing.
> 
> Title of from Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence.

A hand strokes Allie's cheek, soft and warm. 

"Allie, sweetheart. Food's nearly ready, wake up."

Allie's eyes flick open, bright blue and alert, despite the fact she's just awoke. "Did you just call me sweetheart?" She asks Bea.

The immediate flush in Bea's cheeks is all the answer that Allie needs. But she regards Bea with something like curiosity all the same.

"Oh god. I'm so sorry," says Bea, flummoxed as to why on earth she said that. God, she can't even pretend to be normal around Allie.

"I've never called anyone that in my life. Not even-" she pauses, looking stricken and then trails off. "I don't know why I called you that."

Allie reaches forward to take Bea's hand in hers, squeezing it reassuringly before releasing it. 

"Bea, I really, really don't mind." She says.

"Oh." Says Bea, looking relieved to be forgiven. "All the same, I'm sorry. I promise I'll just call you your name."

Allie catches Bea's eye, and to Bea's surprise, winks at her. "You can call me whatever you want, Bea." She teases. 

Bea gapes at her, captivated by the sultry look on her face. She thinks she could spend all day just staring at Allie.

It's Allie who restarts the conversation by reaching out for Bea; sliding her fingers between hers.

"I should give you a nickname too, Bea.

All of Bea's brain seems to have been siphoned off into some fugue state. Allie's fingers are warm and slender in her own. Long-stemmed and beautiful. 

"What - nah." She says, belatedly. 

Allie just grins at her. "Too late. I already came up with at least seventeen thousand for ya."

"Allie..." Bea realised too late that she's squeezing the living daylight out of Allie's hand. She lets it go, crossing her hands in front of her. Sorry, I'm not very good at this."

Allie cocks her head to one side, smiling. "Good at what, honeybunch?" She enquires.

"Talking." Says Bea. And then she registers the last word Allie said.

"The fuck. Honeybunch?"

Allie giggles, a light, ringing sound that makes Bea smile. "I did say I already had nicknames picked out for ya." She says. "I didn't say they'd be good ones."

Bea's low laugh is a surprise, even to her. But joy surges through every atom when Allie grins delightedly back at her. She's may be red-faced and awkward, but she badly wants to be in this conversation, and so far she's managing okay.

"That's not going to be my nickname, Allie." She says. 

"It's only my first try." Says Allie. "Got more up my sleeve." She looks at Bea so intently that Bea lowers her eyes to her lap, smiling at her knees. When she sneaks a peek at Allie again, she finds her still staring.

"Cheekbones!" Allie declares.

"What?" Says Bea, her hands coming automatically to cover her cheeks.

As a nickname, you dickhead." Says Allie, gesturing to Bea's face. 

Bea merely blinks at her.

"Well, you do have a killer pair of them." Allie says.

"Nah, they just stick out-."

"Yeah, and then curve beautifully back in. That's why I like 'em." Says Allie. 

Bea just shakes her head, feeling warmth tickle her insides.The Allie effect. Again. 

"Oh! I have another one! Strutter!" Says Allie, grinning broadly.

Bea just shakes her head at Allie. "I'm going to need that one explained" she says, genuinely puzzled.

"Well, it's one of the first things I noticed about you. You're shy, Adorably shy."

"What does my, uh, shyness have to do with that ridiculous nickname?" Bea questions, trying to skid past the (accurate) observation and just continue to stay in this. To participate in the conversation.

Allie looks thoughtful, a smile tugging the corners of her mouth.

"Well, despite the shy thing you don't just walk; you strut. It's hot."

"Nah, I don't." Says Bea, feeling awkward, muddled and utterly elated. She doesn't know why Allie is giving her any focus; ordinary, boring and blighted as she is. But that doesn't stop her loving the attention.

The thought that Allie has been watching her every move fills her up with distracting warmth. And she cant help the broad grin that escapesl. 

She's aware that the silence is starting to stretch. Say something, she begs herself. Anything. But the idea of Allie watching her has paralysed her. She really has no words left.

Allie luckily sweeps in and saves the day. By embarrassing Bea, of course.

"Okay Bea, add cutie pie to the list. Your face is the same colour as your hair!"

"Fuck off," she says, her eyes affixed to the ground beneath her, cheeks pink as anything. She says it with some feeling, because she's never in her life been called a name like that before and if she doesn't keep terse and serious she might just burst out laughing.

"I know I've said it before," says Allie. "But it bears repeating that your blushing really is my favourite thing."

Mine is your beautiful smile, Bea wants to say. But she can't. Coward, coward.

She needs to say something. She has to find a way to show Allie that she appreciates her. Appreciates the way she's come in like a freaking human sunshine and made everything better.

If only she could be that brave.

A yell from downstairs breaks into her thoughts.

"Red? What the fuck are ya doing with blondie up there? I sent you upstairs to wake Allie for a fuckin' feed, not root her."

Bea looks absolutely mortified, going pale, for once, rather than red. 

"Coming, you dickhead!" She yells back down. But she feels a ill, worried suddenly at what Allie thinks of her. She wasn't doing that, or thinking that. But what if Allie thinks...

Allie's looks at Bea's white face. She stands up, placing one hand on each of Bea's cheeks, her thumbs gently stroking.

"It's okay." She says soothingly. "You warned me about Franky. I know she's full of shit. Whatever you're worried about, stop."

Bea smiles at Allie awkwardly, willing herself to say something that's as kind to Allie as Allie is to her. But Allie's hands in her cheeks are warming and distracting and she can't think properly with the pads of Allie's thumbs stroking her face.

"Allie. You always -" she begins. And Allie's gorgeous blue eyes catch her, hold her in place. She flushes deeply and it nearly stops her from speaking. But she wants to get this out.

"You always know what to say to make me feel good." She smiles uncertainly at Allie. "Thanks."

Allie's hands remain on Bea's cheeks. Her thumbs still softly stroking. She looks shocked, and Bea wonders if she said the wrong thing. 

But then Allie smiles a little shyly, and Bea is shocked to see a slight pinkness on Allie's cheeks.

"Now who's blushing," Bea teases.

Allie beams at Bea, in a way that makes everything else seem completely irrelevant. God, she wants, wants, wants...

Because Allie's clear blue eyes (one still a little dark, but healing so fast!) are so lovely that they make Bea want to say all kinds of stupid things. About cloudless skies and tropical waters, about the rarity of a blue like that. She shifts her gaze down.

Allie's tongue is running over her now-healed lips. It's... gorgeous and sensual and it floods through Bea with an electric surge of feverish warmth. Something strums within her and she looks up again and sees Allie looking straight back at her.

She wants badly to be brave, to reach out. She takes a single, small step at the same time Allie takes a big one and suddenly she can feel the soft puffs of Allie's breath against her face, Her warm hands still caressing Bea's cheeks. She feels fixed in warmth, totally sick, and absolutely joyful.

Bea's hands seem to act of their own volition, finding Allie's hair. She didn't know how much she wanted to touch it. But now it's in her hands she can't stop running her fingers through it, It's gorgeous: dark blonde, soft, a little tangled. 

Brown eyes meet blue, and then they're kissing. 

Allie's lips are warm and impossibly gentle, her hands leaving Bea's face, stroking down her shoulders and spine, pulling them closer together. It's too much; not enough, to feel the frisson of heat between them. The tingles that follow every touch. Bea wants more, more, more. So she holds Allie's warm head between hers and kisses her deeper, licking the seam of her lips, listening to the mewling sounds that the action elicits. There's nothing so good as this. 

"Oi dickheads! Quit fucking and get your butts down here before I invite Booms over eat all your food."

They spring apart, both breathless.

"Coming!" Yells Allie. And Bea wonders if she imagines the "literally" that she hears Allie huff under her breath.

Allie must quickly realise that Bea is incapacitated because she yells out "Bea's just helping me with my painkiller dosage."

Bea smiles gratefully at Allie, shocked when Allie winks at her, sending dizzying whorls of heat rushing through her.

Bea doesn't know what to say. The kiss meant the world to her. But she's stupid and awkward and she's pretty sure she can't even say the word kiss. 

"Uh - that was - Thank you."

Allie's eyes are warm and tender as she leans over and kisses Bea on the forehead. The nose. The raised apple of each cheekbone. She picks up Bea's hand, kissing each finger and Bea wonders if she'll just melt away like butter.

"Queen Bea, You're actually the most adorable thing ever. In addition to being freaking gorgeous."

Bea blushes anew. And Allie reaches out and fits their fingers together. As she does, Bea recalls the name Allie just called her.

"Queen Bea?" she says dubiously.

Allie nods, beaming.

"Finally found the right nickname for ya," She smiles.

Bea shakes her head at Allie. But she knows she's smiling.

"We should go. God knows what Franky's going to say about the colour of my face."

Allie's hands come to rub at her red cheeks and Bea's body thrums at the contact. "She'll probably assume it was her earlier comments about us fucking." She says, winking at Bea who grins helplessly.

And then she removes her hands from Bea and lets her lead them down the stairs.


	5. Full of Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I wrote 3,000+ words about nothing whenever I wrote these, but here goes:
> 
> Bea and Allie have dinner, unfortunately Franky is there to stir things up.
> 
> Allie and Bea go shopping. Talking happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was an absolute nightmare to write. I can only hope it'll get easier. That said, it's one of the longer ones I've written I think. Please tell me what you think. I live for feedback!

Dinner with Franky is horrifically embarrassing. Their feet don't even touch the landing before she gets in the first punch.

Allie has only a vague memory of Franky, but as she stands there in a white singlet and tracksuit bottoms, bedecked in colourful tattoos and grinning cheekily, it is evident she's a force to be reckoned with.

"Why's your face so red, Red? Were you actually fucking up there?

"Fuck off, Franky," says Bea to the floor.

"No, I'm asking if you were," grins Franky.

Bea's beautiful face is glows with embarrassment. She opens her mouth and then appears to change her mind, instead moving swiftly toward the table. Allie can't help but follow Bea with her eyes as she sits down. She wonders if Franky can tell she's staring. She looks over at the tattooed brunette. She's sitting slouched back in her chair, and she raises one eyebrow at Allie, smirking.

Yup. Busted.

Allie follows Bea to the table (unable to resist staring at her butt as she does) and takes a seat next to her, feeling out of depth around the brash, tattooed brunette who's apparently Bea's best friend. 

She's trying to follow Bea's lead, trying to reveal only what she is okay with. But it leaves Allie without her usual quips. And she's pathetic if she can't flirt.

God, if she had some gear she'd be wittier. Smarter. A better version of herself. And there it is, for the first time since Bea. That pulsing need to use.

She doesn't mean to, but she must react in some way, because Bea's hand grabs hers under the table and squeezes. And her kind eyes, her beautiful half-smile bring Allie back to herself. 

"Oh my god. Eat up before I start puking at you two and your googly eyes." Says Franky.

It's a lame enough insult that reading between the lines, it's almost a stamp of approval from Franky.

Bea starts shoveling rice and curry into her mouth. Her hand, under the table, is still in Allie's. But with an apologetic smile at Allie she eventually relinquishes it so she can eat more easily. 

Allie looks down at her plate and registers, for the first time, the gorgeous aromas. The chicken curry is rich and fragrant, a generous side of rice sitting next to it.

Suddenly she's ravenous. She knows she's eating too fast, but she can't really help it. Every time she tries to slow down she finds herself speeding up again. 

"Phowwy." She apologizes to the table at large, her mouth too full. She knows she's making a fool out of herself. But she doesn't always get to eat. Certainly not good food like this.

Marie echoes from somewhere in her memory, "Messy child!" Said with affection and sweetness, but those hands cut off her food when she bought in less work; gave her drugs instead of care.

Blessedly, their answers bring her back.

"Nah. You're fine." Says Franky at the same time as Bea says sweetly, shyly "It's so good to see you eating."

Allie just wants to kiss Bea all over again. And all over. But it's too soon for that. And she'll happily wait. Bea is worth it.

After they've eaten, Allie feels pleasantly sleepy. As Bea helps her back up the stairs she lolls into her, heavy with tiredness and affection. But happy, so happy. 

Bea takes her into the room and helps her to lie down, her brown eyes kind and affectionate. 

She pulls Allie's blankets up so thab t they touch her chin and reminds her she'll be next door if she's needed. Then she looks both ways, drops eye contact, swings pointlessly from foot to foot and finally leans down quickly and kisses Allie's forehead.

And she's gone.

\---------

Allie wakes suddenly, her eyes darting about the unfamiliar room in a confused fashion until she remembers: Bea.

She smiles. Because she's in a warm bed with a full stomach. And Bea put her there. 

"Morning sweet- uh, Allie." Says Bea, walking into the room. She's dressed in black jeans and a dark blue shirt and she looks gorgeous.

Allie smiles at the slip-up. "You can call me sweetheart." She says.

Bea averts her eyes, colouring perceptibly. But then she looks up at Allie and smiles shyly. And Allie wonders if she's ever seen anything so beautiful.

Bea sits down on the chair next to Allie's bed and leans forward, her breasts suddenly distractingly present in Allie's line of sight, rounding out beneath her loose shirt. The faint scent of something flowery and delicious wafts from where she sits.

"It's my last day off today," she says.

"Oh" Allie says, distractedly.

"Yeah. Promised the others I'd be back."

"Of course. Gotta make a living" says Allie. "I'll miss ya, is all" she reaches forward a little, taking Bea's hand in her one. Running her fingers over her knuckles. 

Bea smiles at their joined hands, then looks uncertain. "But you'll come with me. If that's okay. There’s a back room you can hang out in?"

"I'd love to." Says Allie, too quickly. But it makes Bea smile.

"I figured I could show you around today? Get some stuff."

"I'd love that." Says Allie. 

Bea blushes again. "You fucking love everything" she says, around a half-smile.

"If it involves you, yeah." Says Allie easily. Because it's true and it needs to be said.

And it'll make Bea blush. Which is pretty much her life goal right now.

Bea looks shocked and then thrilled. And then red-faced, she leans over and kisses Allie swiftly on the cheek.

"Thanks." She says.

\---------

Allie gets dressed into some more of Bea's clothes and then they eat a quick breakfast, marmite on toast. Black coffee. 

Allie spends the whole meal trying like hell not to grin like a mad person because they kissed yesterday. And it was fucking awesome.

She finishes her toast quickly and watches Bea finishing hers off.

"What?" Bea asks nervously. "Do I have something on my face?"

Allie grins at her lazily. 

"No, I'm just wondering how on earth you manage to make boring shit like chewing toast look so sexy."

Bea just gapes at her. 

\-----------

Bea's usually a good driver. A responsible driver. But somehow, not so much today.

It's not as if Allie is doing anything to be divert her attention. Not intentionally, anyway. But somehow her sheer existence is wholeheartedly distracting.

Especially when she tucks her hair behind her ear. Or smiles, something Bea can apparently see peripherally, but something which her heart demands she looks at face-on. Despite that whole 'driving' thing she has going on.

And even having Allie sit next to her makes her feel strange. Rushes of warmth dance through her and she feels like a stupid teenager on a first date.

Then there was the kiss. She didn't know kissing could be like that. She didn't know getting physical could feel like something other than an attack from which she had to patch herself up and try to move on from. 

But it was the opposite to that. The more they kissed, the more she wanted. Allie had sparked to life this amazing, new warmth within her. And it seemed to be there always, now. The need of it. 

She looks across from the driver’s seat and finds Allie staring right at her, her beautiful, full lips smiling.

And she wants, wants, wants. So, she grabs Allie's hand and cleaves their fingers together, luxuriating in the instant rush she feels.

And then tries desperately to look back at the traffic.

The kiss comes back into her head. Again, and again. The way they swayed together. The hands on her back pulling her in. The incredible softness of Allie's cheeks. And then after, well after...

Oh god. She said thank you.

After Allie kissed her. Like an idiot. She thanked her. She doesn't even know what to do with her awkward self except just hope like hell that Allie found it less hideous than it was.

There have been moments since, of course. Tantalizing kisses to the cheek, forehead, nose. Warm hands touching thighs. Hands joining. Touching. 

They made her tingle to her toes.

And then there's this morning. Allie called her sexy. A word that is a mile from boring, shy Bea. A word that Harry had repeatedly remonstrated her for not being. And yet, she knows-

Allie had meant it; Bea could tell that she had meant it. And the compliment made her feel warmed through. Made her want to press Allie against her and kiss her again (and again, and again).

But she is shy. A coward. Unless Allie does something, how will they ever kiss again?

"Bea?" Allie's voice interrupts, her hand gentle squeezing.

"Yeah?" Bea turns and faces Allie, noting tenderly that she looks a little tired.

“You should probably go. Light's green.”

"Oh fuck, sorry!" Bea maneuvers them into the traffic.

"Don't worry, Queen Bea. You're allowed to daydream. Anything interesting?"

Bea's whole body blushes. "Mmm." She says vaguely and detaches her fingers in order to turn into the car parking building. Allie just laughs.

It doesn't take long to find a car park. And soon they're on foot, walking down the footpath. 

"So, this is the nearest supermarket." Says Bea. "And the mall's just over there. I thought we'd take a look."

"Need anything in particular?"

"Clothes." Says Bea shortly, grabbing Allie's hand and pulling her in the direction of the shop.

"Wow. Big shopping fan, eh Bea." Says Allie.

"Not usually. But today, yeah. We're buying stuff for you."

Allie looks confused. "But I have clothes. I'm wearing them right now."

"My clothes," Bea says, pulling at the hood of Allie's teal-coloured hoodie.

"I like your clothes" Allie argues.

"My tops are fine on you, but you're taller than me. So, time for some bottoms."

"Bea! It's far too early in our relationship for you to be talking about my butt. It's sexy though, right?"

Bea's laugh explodes out of her and she knows she's redder than sunburn. At the same time, she can't imagine herself openly praising Allie's (admittedly gorgeous) backside anytime soon.

She likes the word Allie just used, though. Likes it enough to parrot it aloud.

"Relationship?" She says. Trying to hide her smile beneath her hair.

Allie tugs Bea toward her, pulling them to a stop by a stack of trolleys and taking Bea's face in her hands.

"I hope so. A day ago, you gave me the best kiss of my life."

Bea smiles into Allie’s beautiful, open face.

"I don't even care that I'm blushing. I mean - it was. -" she exhales audibly 

"It was amazing." She says, her eyes tracking between Allie's lips and eyes. Waiting, waiting.

Allie's voice is low. For Bea's ears only. 

"Can I kiss ya?" She asks softly.

Bea nods, and she feels Allie's hands grasping the back of her neck, drawing her in until they are eye to eye. And then Allie leans in.

It's just like last time, and nothing at all like last time. The warmth of Allie's mouth on hers is heavenly, the feel and overwhelming rightness of them kissing again makes Bea exhale with relief. She feels Allie's tongue on her lips and smooths her own over it, feeling rather than hearing the whimper that Allie releases, loving the push and pull that winds between them. She finds herself pulling Allie closer, running her hands down her shoulder blades. She can feel herself getting breathless, lightheaded.

When their lips part Allie tilts her forehead down to Bea’s, so they can catch their breaths.

"Well fuck." She says, between pants. "That was even better than I remember it being."

Bea can only nod, her heart thumping away, her mind in slivers. She's surprised to see they're still in the carpark, surprised to see cars driving past, surprised that the world didn't just roll over and beg.

She kinda wants to.

"I really like you, Allie." She husks 

Allie puts her arms around Bea and suddenly they're chest to chest. It's warm and glorious, utterly overwhelming, but it also feels like something she's been missing her whole life.

When Allie pulls back she looks as happy as Bea feels. Her hands rest lightly on Bea's shoulders, her eyes soft and affectionate.

"God you're just gorgeous. Not to upstage you but" she grins

"I really like you even more than you like me" she says

Bea smiles, delighted to be upstaged. "Thank you for doing that. I -uh - I really wanted to kiss you again."

Allie joins their hands together, kissing Bea's knuckles 

"Me too, Queen Bea. Literally every second since we first met."

Bea knows she's smiling like an idiot but can't bring herself to care. So, she tugs Allie's hand, leading them toward the mall.

\------

Allie is surprisingly resistant to having clothes bought for her.

"But I don't need 'em!" she says about a perfectly fitted pair of skinny jeans, the black business slacks that make her legs go on forever, the tracksuit bottoms.

Bea ignores her, adding them to the pile. Because to her mind, Allie definitely does need to buy those skinny jeans. Not that she'd dare say that.

"You can't go around in my clothes forever, Allie."

Allie shrugs, looping her hand around Bea's shoulder, and bringing her nose to Bea's neck, nuzzling. "I like your clothes. They smell like you."

Bea rolls her eyes, shrugging Allie's hand off. Ostensibly, so she can reorganise the cumbersome pile. But in truth, Allie's nose on her neck filled her with longing. As did her comment. Shyly, she brings her hand to Allie's cheek, caressing it.

"Seriously Allie. Just let me buy you some clothes. I have more money than I know what to do with. You have the longest legs in the world."

Allie arches an eyebrow at Bea.

"You like my legs?"

Bea's eyes retreat to the pile she is holding. "Yeah. I like everything about you."

Allie kisses her reddened cheek sweetly. "Okay then. Do your worst."

Bea takes that as tacit permission, leading Allie further into the shop.

"You should get some tops too. And some socks and underwear. I don't know what you're wearing now-"

Allie winks at her. "Not underwear." She enunciates carefully, her eyes not leaving Bea’s face.

Bea walks directly into a rack of dresses, which rocks uneasily for several seconds. In stumbling back, she loses the pile of clothes she's collected for Allie as well as a whatever remaining pride she thought she had left.

"To much information, Allie!"

But once they've picked everything up, once she's processed it, Bea is shocked to realise it isn't too much. It's kind of hot. 

Bea sends Allie on a quick trip to pick out some underwear while she gets her some socks and tops. They arrange to meet back by the long line of registers.

It's a relief to see Allie waiting there once Bea makes it back. Probably because it's the first time they've been apart since Allie came home.

"Well hi there," says Allie. "I missed ya."

Bea kisses Allie's cheek. And she hopes Allie knows that she missed her too.

They go to a coffee shop after paying. Bea's conscious that Allie looks tired, and though it’s not a long trip home, she thinks a coffee will help.

She orders them both lattes and brings them back to the seats that Allie had claimed for them earlier, Allie smiles her thanks, taking a grateful sip of the drink and reaching across the table to hold Bea's hand.

"I freaked you out a bit before, didn't I?" 

"What?"

"With my comment about the whole 'no underwear' thing. I'm sorry."

Bea shakes her head.

"Oddly, not really. It just surprised me. But, well-"

Allie's hand strokes down her arm.

"Go on."

 

"I haven't, you know, been with a woman before."

Allie nods. "I figured that. Don't worry. I don't care if we just kiss for the next decade. You're that good at it."

Bea chokes out a shocked laugh, her eyes flicking to Allie's lips. She wants to kiss Allie right now, but the coffee shop is crowded, and her shyness wins out. Instead she points to her flushed cheeks with her free hand. "Look what you made me do." She says.

Allie giggles. "It's pretty much my life goal right now," She utters.

"Anyway," she continues. "I forget a lot of the time, I think because of you. But it might be good for me to take things slowly. Recovering addict and all that."

Bea gets up and moves around the table to sit next to Allie, sliding an arm around her shoulders and kissing the curve of her cheek.

"Has it been okay?" She questions. "Are you getting cravings?"

Allie nods, snuggling into Bea. "It's been so okay I kinda forgot that it was my whole life so recently. I did have a moment yesterday at dinner. Maybe you noticed? I think you grabbed my hand. It really helped.

Bea nods. "Yeah. You looked worried. Kind of started shaking your head."

Allie shrugs. "It was nerves about you and me. We'd just kissed, and it was, you know, the best fucking thing ever."

"Yeah." Says Bea with quiet intensity. "I know."

"Well, I didn't know what I could and couldn't say and I didn't want to ruin us by flirting with you if that wasn't okay. Or saying something in front of Franky.

Bea's hand falls to Allie's knee. "Allie my sweet, if you're clean then we're good."

She draws her further into her arms, kissing the top of Allie's head. Then she adds” Just be you. I like you. Even if you two start… I dunno. Ranking your best roots or something?"

Allie grins, stretching back a little in Bea’s arms so that she can see her eyes.

" it wasn't about my past, babe. Ninety-nine percent of what I wanted to say was basically just new and creative ways of hitting on ya. "

Bea blushes, a rush of affection for Allie surging through her. But she's finding words easier to string together around her now. So at least there's that.

"Well, Franky already knows I like you anyway. Told her so myself. So, I guess flirting is okay. Just... keep liking me when I blush, I guess?"

Allie chuckles. "Babe, you know I love it," she says.

\-----

By the time they make it home Allie is, despite the coffee, fast asleep.

Bea watches her sleep. The thickness of her eyelashes, her disheveled, knotty hair. Her gorgeous cheekbones.

She runs a finger down Allie's cheekbone. "Allie, sweetheart. Wake up."

Allie blinks sleepily at her, grinning.

“You called me sweetheart.”

"You said I could."

"I know. I still love it though."

Bea rolls her eyes, ignoring the heat of her cheeks. "C'mon troublemaker. Let’s get you back to bed." She says.

She loves the way Allie cuddles into her as they enter the house. Loves the way her neck rests in the space between Bea's shoulder and collarbone. Loves it all, really.

She puts Allie into bed and gently kisses her.

"Sleep well my sweet. Big day tomorrow."

She doesn't know how right she is.


	6. (Somebody) hold me too close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Really? I'm going to be intentionally vague.
> 
> Allie has a nightmare. Franky sees too much and nothing at all. Bea returns to work feat. Allie. Allie naps and stuff.
> 
> Stuff may mean kissing. Or not. Who knows!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your messages. They really meant the world to me in terms of keeping this thing going. And the last scene wrote itself so that's progress!

The air is hazy with pain and disappointment. She knows already how badly she has fucked up.

"Why the hell not, Allie?"

Allie shrugs, feeling terribly, horribly ungrateful." I just couldn't. He hurts me. It doesn't feel worth the pain."

"For goodness sake, Allie. Bruises heal. Handle yourself! I've fed you, clothed you, welcomed you into my home." Marie sounds baffled by Allie’s excuses, and Allie feels sick with guilt.

"I know. I'm sorry, Marie." Allie says. And she is. But she can't do this. Can't walk through life black and blue.

Marie’s hands hold Allie’s cheeks in place, kiss her. But it’s like a command.

"Allie, act your age. You said you could do this. You promised." The 'after all of done to you' is not so much implied as heavily imprinted on their every interaction.

Allie remembers how cold it was in winter when she lived on the streets, how hot in summer. That she was an object, subject to the whims of weather. The way people looked past her. But Marie didn't.

Marie looks impatient, as she often does pre-gear. She’s set up the table with it, all ready to go. "I’ll tell you what, Allie. Because it’s you, I’ll share my gear. Just take some of this before and you'll hardly realise you're working."

It's harmless-looking. Wobbly little lines of white powder. She hasn't had this stuff before, but she's seen Marie take it plenty of times. Hell, she snorted it off Allie once.

Marie's voice turns sweet and affectionate, as if she really does want the best for Allie. Like maybe she really does care. She gestures wordlessly at the wobbly line of powder. “Have some of my share, Allie,” she says. And it feels like a kindness.

Allie leans over, and just before she takes it in, there's this horrible sinking feeling.

No, she says, Watching herself lean over and snort it up. No, no, no. Don't do this.

She leans over and snorts it back.

\---- 

Gentle hands smooth Allie’s hair back from her sweaty forehead.

"Allie, sweetheart. Wake up. You're having a nightmare."

Allie opens her eyes, the dream still a stomach-curdling knot of anguish within her. She registers Bea's worried face and hugs her, nuzzling into her sweet-smelling neck for comfort. She's trembling profusely; can't seem to stop.

"Allie my sweet, it's okay," Bea's voice soothes in her ear. "I'm here with you. Whatever it is, it'll be okay."

Bea's arms rub soothingly up and down Allie's back, muttering sweet words. Kind words. But still she can't seem to stop shivering.

" I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm shaking."

"It's fine," says Bea. "You had a bad dream." She presses a kiss to Allie's hairline, her arms tightening around her back.

They stay like that for a long time. And gradually Allie feels the shaking recede. She loosens her grip on Bea, who automatically does the same, sitting next to Allie on the bed. Her hand falls to Allie's thigh, a soothing weight.

"Would talking about it help?" She asks.

Allie shrugs. "Don't know. I've never really done that."

Bea kisses Allie's cheek. "Try?" She asks, her eyes warm.

Allie cuddles into Bea's side, wanting the comforting contact. But also, not wanting to see the judgement in her eyes.

"It was about Marie - that's my ex."

"You mentioned her when we first met." Bea says, stroking Allie's hair.

"It's complicated." Allie explains Because in a lot of ways she saved me."

“in what way, sweetheart?” asks Bea. But there’s no judgement in her voice. Just sweet, honest concern.

"When my parents kicked me out I was seventeen. I had nothing."

Allie can feel Bea stiffen, and she wonders if this will be what tars her in Bea's eyes. But just as she's finished thinking that, Bea’s arms close around Allie, hugging her tightly.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I hate them for doing that. I would never... She trails off, but Allie has already heard the vehemence in her voice. It slips comfortingly over her, like protection. Like love.

"Marie literally plucked me from the streets. Fed me, clothed me. Like you did." Allie says, her voice muffled from where she's burrowed into Bea.

"I'd do it again in a heartbeat," says Bea simply.

A rush of affection for Bea breaks through the churning anxiety. Allie lifts her head from where it's snuggled against Bea's shoulder to kiss her cheek before curling back into Bea and continuing.

"It turned out she wanted something for it. I mean, of course she did. I was stupid and thought she cared."

Bea doesn't try to make Allie look at her, and Allie feels grateful for that. Instead she peppers kisses on the parts of Allie that she can reach; lowered cheek, nose, brow, shoulder.

"It's not stupid to think someone cares, Allie."

The 'I care' is unspoken, but Allie feels it all the way to her toes.

"She found me work turning tricks,” she says, and feels Bea's shocked intake of breath. Again, Bea's arms tighten around her. It feels safe.

"It turned out that was her job, finding people to sell sex, taking a cut. She had this way about her though where she'd take things from you, but it felt like she was doing you a favour."

"But she wasn't," says Bea. "Allie, sweetheart, she was awful and I'm so-."

"The work itself wasn't so bad, Allie interrupts, her voice slightly muffled where it had landed against Bea's shoulder. "I liked the girl's I worked with. And it got easier to just switch off, get it over with. But one time a rich guy roughed me up. A lot."

Allie feels Bea tense against her. And her heart shudders through the next few beats. She knows she's bracing herself. For Bea's reaction.

" Allie, Sweetheart. I'm so, sorry. She's horrible for letting that happen."

Something in her tone makes Allie feel brave. And she turns for the first time in their conversation to face Bea, who looks stricken. She takes a shuddering exhale and finishes the story.

"He was powerful, as well as being a fucking sicko. And he kept requesting me. Marie always wanted me to just do it. Make the money. Cop the bruises."

Bea looks shocked and then furious. For some reason that makes Allie feel better, stronger. She keeps talking. Can't seem to stop.

"She gave me drugs to make it... easier, I guess. And sent me back to him. Again and again."

"She shouldn't have done that." Says Bea her voice dangerously low. And when Allie looks up at her she startled; Bea's dark eyes are shot with fury.

"How fucking dare she do that to you," grates out Bea. "I want to hurt her."

"Me too sometimes." Says Allie. "I wanted to leave, too. But I had nowhere else to go. And the drugs; were so much better than having to live with it. But whenever I was clean it hit me like a tonne of bricks and I felt really... low."

"I can imagine." says Bea. I mean, fuck, obviously I can't imagine. But I get what you mean."

Something about Bea's visible anger is pulling the story out of Allie more painfully; cutting her up more. She can feel herself tearing up and she’s confused by it; she’s never been a big crier. There’s no point. It won't help. She swallows the lump in her throat.

"I always had bruises. And before they faded I had bruises on top of the bruises. She treated them like my fault; my silly little failures as an adult. It felt wrong… we fought and I left her but I always came back. I had nowhere else until…" She pauses, and looks at Bea, feeling her eyes fill with tears. But she will not let them fall.

Bea seems to notice; seems to know what she's thinking. "Allie, my sweet. You have a home now. You can cry, beautiful girl.”

And suddenly she's crying into the front of Bea's sleep-shirt in a way she hasn’t since childhood. Grasping Bea to her and howling. The tears come out of her in deep, gut wrenching sobs that make her shiver and shudder. Bea strokes her hair, kisses her tear tracks and whispers endless, comforting words into her ear.

At some point her tears dry up. Then it's just the two of them, cuddled warmly together. Drowsy now, Allie breathes in deep lungful of Bea's sweet smell and somehow it all starts to feel okay again.

Bea moves back a little, and holds Allie’s cheeks between her hands, so gently, so reverently. “Allie, you were so brave. You survived. I'm just so relieved you're not there anymore."

Allie emits a tired sigh, kissing one of the hands that holds her cheek before curling back into Bea.

"Pretty happy to be here with you now." She says, stifling a yawn.

Bea laughs softly. "It's still early. About two am. Do you think you can sleep? If I stay with you?

Allie nods. "If you stay with me," she repeats drowsily. “Gotta have my Queen Bea.”

Bea pulls herself and Allie into standing position. Impulsively, she brings her arms around her and they sway together, wrapped in each other.

Allie yawns again. Audibly.

Bea laughs softly, kissing her cheek. "Think that's my cue, Beautiful. Get into bed," she says.

"Bea Smith: always trying to get me into bed." Says Allie, watching Bea's delicious flush spread across her face.

Once Allie is settled Bea turns off the bedside light and climbs in next to her and Allie immediately reaches out for her, winding herself around her, nuzzling her nose into Bea's sweet-smelling neck.

Despite the nightmare, they both fall asleep smiling.

\------

Franky's surprised when she finally hauls herself out of bed to find the kitchen empty. Bea (and Allie, if she's joining them today) should be well and truly downstairs by now.

Bea's an early bird so it's unusual to say the least. She finds herself taking the stairs two at a time and by the time she's halfway up she can hear Bea's alarm chirping away to itself. Must have tired herself out making goo-goo eyes at blondie, she thinks, grinning.

Bea's not in her room when Franky goes to wake her. But her cellphone is dancing away rhythmically on her dresser. Where the fuck is she? Unless...

The spare room is just next door. She rushes in.

Bea and Allie lie cuddled together, soundly asleep. Allie's face is buried in Bea's neck, Bea's hand is on... she squints, moving further into the room.

Holy fuck.

Bea's hand is cupped over Allie's left breast.

"I didn't know you had it in you, Red!"

Bea's eyes flutter open. She blinks confusedly at the loud, irritating Franky in her bedroom.

"What? Gerrout my room." She murmurs. And to Franky's amusement, cuddles further into Allie who remains fast asleep.

"Red." Franky walks over and nudges her. "This isn't your room, ya dickhead. That IS your alarm going off next door though, and I'm assuming the hot blonde whose boob you're grabbing right now is Allie?"

Suddenly, Bea is wide awake. She darts away from Allie, her face aflame. The movement seems to finally wake Allie up.

Franky makes herself comfortable in the chair next to the bed, grinning. She would never in a million years have expected to walk into this. But she has no intention of missing even a second of the free show.

She watches Allie, noting how quickly she comes around. One second, she's blinking confusedly at Franky and the next she's saying resignedly, "Morning Franky."

She sits up in the bed, apparently unworried they've just been busted. She's a totally different creature to the shy girl they had dinner with only days ago.

"Fucking good morning, if I'm reading this right?" Says Franky, winking. And her tongue slides out of her mouth to lick the webbing between thumb and index finger suggestively,

Bea murmurs "fuck off," red-faced and beyond mortified. She looks, Franky notes with amusement, like she wants to hide under the covers. But as Franky watches, Allie's hand comes out to grasp Bea’s. And her icy blue eyes meet Franky's with something like challenge in them.

"Use your brain, dickhead." She scoffs. “Look at us! We're both still clothed." She looks both absolutely exhausted and surprisingly serene, and Franky begins to think there's more to her than doe-eyes for Bea and a drug problem.

"Blondie, sometimes with a good fuck there just isn't time."

"With this goddess," Allie raises a hand to indicate the red-haired, red-faced women sitting next to her, "if it ever happened... well, I'd fucking well make time."

Franky stares for a second. Then she chuckles. "Fuckin' hell, Red! You've got a live one here!"

"Yeah." Says Bea, having finally found her words, staring at Allie with both vast embarrassment and complete affection. "Now can you get lost so we can go get ready?"

Franky grins at them both. "Twenty minutes and your ride is leaving." She warns them both.

Bea bursts into embarrassed giggles the second Franky is out of earshot

"Jesus!" She says. "You handled that really well."

Allie shrugs, "Well, you are a goddess." She says. And watches with delight as Bea smiles shyly at her folded knees, cheeks aglow.

"Look in the mirror sometime, beautiful girl." She counters, and despite the fact that the compliment is directed to their joined hands. Allie finds herself blushing.

"Are you still okay to come today?" Bea asks. "I know you might be tired after last night and-."

Allie interrupts Bea mid-ramble, kissing her swiftly on the lips.

"I feel really good actually. Thanks. You knew all the right things to say."

I'm just so glad you're here now." Says Bea honestly. Her eyes flickering between Allie's lips and eyes.

"And I'm sorry I wasn't more help with Franky this morning." She adds.

"What were we doing when she woke up? Allie asks curiously. "Cuddling?"

Bea meets her eyes briefly, feeling warm all over with embarrassment. "Something like that," she says.

"Better from you than from Franky," says Allie. Oh god. Was I - Was groping ya? Is that why your face is adorably red right now."

Bea bites her lip. "You were fine. I was..." she fights the urge to giggle "touching your boob."

Allie looks both delighted and miffed. "That's my Queen Bea! Can't believe I missed that. Which one?"

Bea, who was getting ready to apologise, looks surprised by the question.

"Uh, Left." She husks out. And then she can't help but watch transfixed as Allie immediately cups a hand over her left breast, where Bea's hand had been before. "Mmmm. Tingly" she says, winking at Bea.

At loss for words, Bea retreats to her room to change.

Bea's return to the salon ends up being relatively low-key.

She doesn't know what Franky has said about Allie to the others, or how she has described her to them. So she's in protective mode as the dinging of the bell announces their arrival to the others, fully ready to beat the shit out of anyone who questions Allie’s presence there. She ushers Allie inside to the front desk.

"This is Allie. She lives with us, so she'll be around a lot now. Make her welcome."

The others nod, waving in greeting. the lack of shocked expressions making it clear that they've been forewarned. They're lovely to her, too. Liz and Maxine hug her, their greetings warm and appropriate.

Even Boomer is okay, though her greeting could best be described as warm and inappropriate. Within ten minutes of meeting Allie she's asked if she has any food, called her a skinny bitch and told her she needs a haircut.

Allie takes it in her stride, answering Boomer's questions happily. Ignoring the vast wodge of paperwork that’s likely waiting for her, she watches them chat. Allie looks gorgeous, the late-morning sun exaggerating her naturally luminous quality and making her almost glow with beauty.”

"Oy Bea. Why you keep fuckin' staring at Allie."

The whole salon seems to freeze. All eyes fall to Bea.

Bea is rendered speechless. But Allie just winks at Boomer.

"I think she fancies me," she stage-whispers to Boomer."

It takes a while for normal conversation to resume in the salon.

\--------

Despite the hideous embarrassment which colours its beginnings, it ends up being a relatively nice, low-key day for Bea.

The others take her clients, so she can catch up with the shedloads of paperwork and order forms that have accumulated in her absence and she sits next Allie on the couch in the back room, churning through it. Unable to resist the temptation to stare at her, even though she's already been busted for that today. Their arms manage to brush a lot, their hands frequently tangling. It's such a stupid thing, but it makes Bea feel so happy.

Allie figures out the order forms relatively quickly, and despite Bea's insistence that she should just rest or read the plentitude of magazines, she fills in a decent stack of them.

They leave around four, Bea hefting the remains of the paperwork home to complete there. Thanks to Allie, it's a lot less than it should have been.

Allie nods off on her shoulder on the way home, and her warm, fragrant head lolling against Bea’s shoulder makes Bea smile like a crazy person.

She wakes Allie once they're home, putting her straight into bed the returning downstairs to complete the paperwork.

\-------

When Bea rouses Allie for food in the early evening, she longs to do it with a kiss on her soft pink cheek. But the gold cast of the evening light against Allie's skin makes her look luminescent, untouchable and far too beautiful. All of Bea's bravery dissipates

Feeling like a coward, she reaches for Allie's hand instead.

"Allie, wake up."

Allie's blue eyes open and she winks at Bea.

"What, no sweetheart? Maybe I'll just stay in bed." And she pulls up the blankets, grinning at Bea.

Bea chuckles, feeling a surge of joy at this wonderful reality she's found herself in with Allie. She stands, reaching over to pull the blankets off Allie, dumping them on the floor.

"Allie, sweetheart," she says with heavy emphasis, "food's been delivered. No Franky tonight either so we can eat in peace, she’s at her girlfriend’s"

Allie smiles, rising onto her knees, reaching for Bea's hands. She tugs and suddenly Bea's lying next to her on the bed, their hands still joined.

Allie turns to smile brilliantly at her from where they both lie, face to face, on the bed. It's almost too much because they're together, on a bed. Her heart rattles and her body fills with thumping warmth. She can't breathe or speak, can't think anything except Allie, Allie, Allie.

Allie reaches out a hand, stroking through Bea's curly hair. "Is this okay?" She asks gently.

Bea can't find it within her to move. To talk. To do anything except nod breathlessly and smile foolishly. She feels heavy with warmth, but completely unable to act.

Allie smiles at Bea one last time and then turns on her side, cuddling into her. Her chin comes to rest warmly between shoulder and neck. Her arm reaching to hug Bea's middle. God, she's gorgeously warm.

Bea can feel Allie's breath tickling her neck. She feels almost alight with it.

"You smell nice." Allie mumbles into Bea's neck.

"You feel nice." Bea counters mindlessly, her free hand coming out to stroke the soft length between Allie's shoulder blades.

"You feel nicer." Allie returns. "God. You feel amazing."

And she nuzzles back into Bea's neck, all musky scent and hot breath.

Bea gasps as she feels lips press against her neck and heat surges through her. A sound leaves her mouth that is heat, joy and surprise all merged into one.

She startles and freezes, embarrassed at the noise that just came out of her.

"Sorry," she grunts, red-faced. Weirdo, she thinks. Awkward weirdo.

Allie detaches herself from Bea but remains lying down next to her.

"For what?" She sounds genuinely curious.

"The-sound I made." Bea mutters, feeling horribly awkward.

"It was sexy." Says Allie. "Everything you do is so sexy I forget myself sometimes. I'm sorry if I got too handsy."

Bea shakes her head vehemently. "No, don't be.” She says shyly. “It felt so good."

Allie nods, her eyes flicking to Bea's lips. "Can we make out, beautiful?"

"Yeah" says Bea shyly.

Allie's hand cups Bea's cheek, but it's Bea, this time who goes in for a kiss. And the second their lips meet, Allie's tongue slicks over her own and Bea's insides turn molten. 

Heat swarms through her as the kiss escalates. Bea finds herself grasping Allie's warm, firm torso and pulling it into her own as their lips continue to meet. She tugs Allie closer and closer until she realises she's literally pulled Allie on top of her.

She grins against Allie's mouth, pulling their chests flush against one another. Allie moans audibly against Bea's mouth, and Bea feels all the power of pulling that noise from her. Then Allie slides a leg between hers and she gasps, hot as hell.

Something thrums to life in Bea's lower belly and she can't help but flex up into Allie's leg, chasing more of that absolute rush.

And then the doorbell rings.


	7. It's this day, not me (that's bound to go away)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so it turns out nothing happens in this chapter...
> 
> Bea and Allie answer the door. The door answers back. Well, the person at the door does. 
> 
> Then there's some couch time. Not in a shrinky way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you a bazillion times over for the supportive, generous comments and the kudos, you're all amazing.
> 
> I feel like it really was your comments that forced me to write the first 400 words. And after that was done, it kinda wrote itself.
> 
> This is a repost, because I cleverly posted an earlier draft initially.
> 
> Title is from the song Hold On from The Secret Garden, the musical.

They freeze, both leaning back a little. Allie looks down at Bea, her cheeks pink, smiling hopelessly. 

"God Bea, I want to kill whoever rang the doorbell but I'm also just-" she smiles, rubbing a finger over Bea's red cheek "so into you and so fucking delighted that I get to be with you this way."

Her beautiful eyes meet Bea's and Bea finds herself wordlessly smiling back. Whatever stopped them kissing earlier suddenly seems blurry and indistinct. Allie is incredibly warm and solid as she lies atop Bea. And she's right there, absolutely fucking gorgeous, wanting Bea to touch her. Bea finds herself pulling Allie against her again and feeling the glorious heat as their chests meet. Luxuriating in the whining sound that escapes Allie's lips as she pulls them tightly together. They way Allie's leg begins to push between hers once more.

The doorbell chimes again and they spring apart. 

"Fucking hell!" Bea grinds out, looking almost comically frustrated. 

Allie lets out a noise between a groan and a sigh. "Right there with you, babe." She says.

Even as they reluctantly separate from one another, Bea's hands find Allie again and again. Stopping at her bedroom door to smooth her tousled hair, drawing an arm around her as they go down the stairs. When they get to the front door (two impatient chimes later) Bea can't help but take Allie's hand in hers.

She just can't get enough of her.

When she finally gets to the door she's still looking at Allie, still holding her hand as she pulls it open. The dark, cold night immediately seeping into them both.

Allie turns sheet-white, the hand in hers becoming clammy, her grip suddenly strangle-tight. Bea strokes a thumb gentle over Allie's white knuckle, and looks up at their visitor, her eyes hard. She’s blonde, older than them both, and slender. Whoever she is, she doesn’t deserve to be on the same fucking planet as Allie.

"Who the fuck are you? What do you want?" She asks icily, moving further in front of Allie.

The woman looks a little shocked.

"I want a conversation with the girl standing behind you, who you seem to have forgotten is perfectly capable of speaking for herself." 

Bea feels momentarily uncertain; wonders if she is in the way. But Allie's hand in hers is like an anchor. And her face...

Allie has a face that Bea has never seen before. She looks stricken, guilty and uncertain, her eyes frequently falling to the ground. She's squeezing the crap out of Bea's hand.

"Hello Marie." Allie says.

Bea feels the shock of Marie's presence hit her like an actual smack in the face. And then she looks at the older blonde women standing in front of her and wants to kick the shit out of her. How dare she come here to try and knock Allie back down.

She eyes Allie worriedly. Taking in her pie-plate eyes and pale cheeks. The worried set of her lips. And she remembers a moment, years ago when she'd caught her own reflection in a chipped mirror one day, just after Harry had lashed out. She squeezes Allie's hand in hers. 

"Where have you been, Allie?" Marie says, sounding reproving rather than worried.

As if she was a child who ate too many sweets, not an adult who overdosed on something that Marie had given her. Bea can feel that she is seething with anger, and now it’s her who is insistently squeezing Allie’s hand.

"How did you find her?" Bea hisses.

Marie smiles engagingly at them both. "Hospital discharge records had an address." She says.

Bea speaks up without realising she's going to. "That's a privacy breech," she growls. “Want a restraining order alongside those hospital records?"

Marie looks at Bea. "We're having a private conversation. Can you leave us to talk?"

Bea notices Allie has loosened her grip and uncertainty fills her until she is weighted down with doubt. Maybe she's just annoying Allie; missed a million signals that scream 'fuck off.'

Then Allie walks around her, shielding her almost. And both hands grasp Bea's protectively.

"No, she can't. I want her here." Says Allie. And there's not a trace of a smile on her face.

Marie registers their joined hands, and something twists in her face.

"Oh dear, Allie. A new girlfriend, already? What has it been, a week and already you've found someone else to house you and clothe you. Someone else to make endless sacrifices for you and-"

Manipulative bitch, thinks Bea. And it seems to have worked. Allie has petered into silence again, her eyes downcast. Bea squeezes Allie's hands reassuringly.

"She has." Says Bea. "So, you can get the fuck out of here, Marie. Manipulating me against isn't going to work."

Marie seems to realise that almost before Bea has finished talking. She turns instead to speak to Allie. 

"Allie, sweetheart-. "

"Don't fucking call me that." Allie spits. And something like warmth floods through Bea. Because SHE gets to call Allie that whenever she wants.

Marie sighs. "Allie then. You know you need the work. You told me yourself that there isn't anything else you can do."

Allie shakes her head, her eyes downcast, her hands squeezing Bea's desperately. Bea rubs a thumb gently over her knuckle.

"Just a few hours here and there? Marie wheedles. “I'll let you ease back into it.".

"You can ease back from my fucking doorway, you manipulative bitch" Bea growls, stepping forwards.

Marie raises her hands in apparent supplication, but her words do not match her actions.

"Give me a call when she's done with you, Allie. It won't take long." She gives Allie a look that makes Bea want to tackle her to the ground and then turns, walking back down the driveway.

\---

Bea doesn't even bother to close the door, pulling Allie's shaking body into her arms.

"I'm so sorry." She says. "She's a horrible, manipulative woman. Don't listen to her. Please, don't listen."

Allie pulls back a little, her worried eyes meeting Bea's

"But she's right. I can't do anything else." She says, tearing up. 

"God, I'm sorry." She says, as they run down her cheeks. "I never used to cry. These days I can't stop."

Bea just wipes her tears away, her smiling gently at the taller blonde. "Better out than in, beautiful girl." She says simply. 

Allie looks panicked. "But I can't keep spending your money. Draining your resources. And except selling myself I really can't do anything else."

Bea shakes her head. "Anyone who has had a conversation with you can tell that you're smart. Plus, you figured out my confusing order forms faster than anyone I know. You could do an admin job in your sleep."

Allie pulls Bea into a tight hug, burying her face in Bea's fragrant neck. And Bea nearly doesn't hear her next words at first, so distracted by Allie's hot breaths tickling her neck. But the worry in Allie's voice wakes her up.

"Why did I stay with her?" She asks. 

"Because she fed you drugs and made you do a job that suited her," says Bea. "And she's a master manipulator. A few times if it hadn't been for your hand holding mine so tightly I might have lost confidence. She's that twisted."

She leads Allie over to one of the overstuffed couches, sitting on it, then pulling Allie sideways onto her lap and kissing her lips gently.

"Sweetheart, you're so smart. You notice things nobody else does. And when you're not making me turn bright red you're making me laugh like nobody else can."

"In the short term, don't worry. Your body is still healing, and I have plenty to keep us. In the long term, you can do whatever you want."

Allie looks at Bea in affectionate wonderment. "How do you do that? How do you make me feel so good? Five minutes ago, I hated myself."

Bea strokes her fingers through Allie's hair, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "you do the same for me, you know." She says. I feel like was sleepwalking through life before." She says, thoughtfully. She wonders what got her through the days before and can't really remember. She's consumed with the light that is Allie. Consumed with after.

"I'm glad." Allie says. " that we can both be that for each other." She kisses Bea's left shoulder, which happens to be near her. 

"You don't mention 'before' much." Allie adds. "I'm here if you ever want to." She says, her voice gentle.

Bea nods, and she thinks of unspooling it all, right now. But she loves this, being with Allie. And the poor thing has had enough darkness for today. 

And then there's the real reason; that sinking feeling that once Allie heard Bea's sins she might not like her anymore. Might not look at her like she hung the stars.

So, Bea remains silent. "Can I - can I just have a hug?" She finally asks.

Allie wraps her arms around Bea until they're pressed warmly together. And it's as soothing as it is distracting. Bea is surprised by how much of a rush this is; just hugging one another. The way it fills her with tickling heat and makes her heart race.

Then Allie brings her legs around Bea's middle, straddling her. it's such a shock, such an immediate turn-on that Bea grunts audibly, her hands come to rest on Allie's lower back. "God!" Bea says. 

There's this amazing, distracting heat filling Bea. And she wants more, more, more. 

"I assumed you wanted a full-body hug” says Allie silkily, her warm breaths tickling Bea's neck. Bea doesn't respond, momentarily distracted by the heat filling her lower belly and the need for friction she's trying to resist. Allie's neck is calling out to her as well, it's smooth, gorgeous expanse is just too tempting. She leans back, softly kissing Allie's neck, and thrilling in Allie's sudden, breathy inhalation. She does it again, sucking at her soft skin. Allie's moan fills the air like music. 

"God, Bea." Says Allie, her voice low. "God you're so sexy!" Her hips shift against Bea's, changing the angle slightly and making Bea gasp and press her hips back into Allie's. The thumping warmth that builds in Bea is indescribable. And Bea finds her hips bucking up against Allie's. It's the best feeling. The hottest thing she's ever experienced. And then Allie presses her chest against Bea's and she finds she's breathless and incoherent with want. Needing the persistent rocking press of their hips, the way their breasts push together. And needing yet more. She anchors Allie against her with one arm, using the other to grasp Allie's cheek and pull their lips together.

"Do you know how sexy you are?" Says Allie between kisses. "Do you know how much I want this; want you? " 

The words are a haze of joy and feeling. Interrupted only by intoxicating kisses. They start on her lips, and then suddenly Allie's lips are on her neck and suddenly Bea finds she can't stop talking, her voice husky and frequently interrupted by harsh breaths. "Yes, sweetheart. There, beautiful girl. Oh my god! God! You’re gorgeous. You’re so warm.”

Allie leans back a little to look into Bea's eyes, changing the angle which their hips meet at. Bea keeps getting distracted by the way Allie’s breasts bounce. By the shape of them, by the way she imagines they must feel. 

"God, I love when you talk" says Allie leaning in to kiss Bea. "it’s such a turn-on to hear your voice." She continues, the first time I heard it I was high as hell and it still made me wet."

Wet. Thinks Bea, and she can't help but lean in and kiss Allie. Because she's suddenly aware she's dripping wet down there, helped by the angle of their hips as they bump together. 

Bea groans, watching transfixed as Allie's breasts move up and down underneath her t-shirt. She wants badly to touch Allie there. But again, her bravery has dried up. 

She nuzzles Allie's neck. "Allie?" She husks.

"Allie looks at her. "Bea" she smiles at her fondly, her blue eyes shot through with black.

"You know when I was asleep. And I touched you? " she rushes out. "Can I touch you there again?" 

Allie's face goes blank and she kind of groans, pressing her whole body against Bea, her pelvis grinding against Bea's, hard. "Yes, you gorgeous, sexy creature. You can touch me wherever you want."

Bea nods, awash with reddened skin, for the first time registering their surroundings.

"Shall we-"she indicates the staircase.

"Stop necking on the couch like teenagers and go upstairs. Probably a good idea." Says Allie.

But suddenly Bea remembers who she is. Remembers she's covered in scars. And she's wordless and awkward because she both wants this with Allie and is terrified of Allie looking at her and feeling let down.

Allie seems to read her, seems to be able to tell though. Her hand falls to Bea's cheek. "Shall we just talk for a bit?" She asks.

Bea nods, "yeah" she says exhaling uncomfortably as they both stand up.

Impulsively, Bea pulls Allie into her, kissing her tenderly.

"Thank you." She says quietly.

"You’re welcome, beautiful." Allie says. “But you don’t need to thank me. I was a more than enthusiastic participant.”

Bea shrugs, and despite the fact her lower regions are still in fire she's suddenly horribly shy.

"I do though.” She mumbles. “For - that. For making me feel so good. Better than I ever thought I could."

"I should say the same to you." Says Allie. "God, you're the sexiest creature I've ever met."

Bea giggles. "I've literally never been called sexy before." She admits.

"Never been called what, sorry?" Asks Allie, grinning cheekily, 

"Sexy" says Bea, her voice a mere whisper.

"What now?" Allie brings her arms up to circle around Bea's shoulders. 

Bea grins. "Nice try. But I'm not saying it again."

Allie pouts, kissing Bea with something that feels like reverence. "But you are SO sexy!" She proclaims.

Bea shakes her head, wondering how to explain herself. "Sex has never really been my-" she shrugs, hoping Allie gets it.

Allie nods, but then is quick to reassure her. "You can't tell. You're... god, the sexiest person I ever met." She finally says. I mean, you didn't even touch my boobs before and I'm about to come from just your hot body wriggling against mine. I feel..." she smiles, shrugging. "I feel fantastic. A little worked up, but god I'm so glad that happened. You're gorgeous, you know."

Bea smiles shyly, "I'm really not. She says. "I... don’t look good under my clothes."

Allie shakes her head. "I totally disagree." She says. “It’s your body. So, it looks amazing. Because it’s you.” She insists.

Bea bites her lip, a little anxiously. "I have scars." She says. "I mean, they're not visible when I'm clothed. But they're there. Hundreds of them."

Allie nods, her hands linking with Bea's. "I figured you might have something like that." She admits. "You're gorgeous, but you're always quite covered up."

"And if they're on your body," Allie continues, "then to be honest I'll just find them gorgeous, 'cause they're yours." She pauses, looking anxious.

"Not that I'm glad you got them," she clarifies. Brushing a kiss to Bea's knuckles "because scars start with wounds. But you're here now. They're a part of your story."

"It might take a while for me to-" Bea gestures awkwardly. "You know?"

Allie hugs Bea warmly. "Then we'll just make out forever. Or we'll just keep our clothes on and just dry hump like teenagers. I kind of adored that."

"Though dry may not be the right word." She says, raising a single eyebrow at Bea.

Bea giggles, horrifically red but determined to answer. "Not for me, anyway." She agrees quietly.

Allie smiles, but her eyes have gone big and dark. "So sexy." She utters. And for a long moment they just stare at one another.

Bea's stomach breaks the silence by gurgling loudly and she flushes.

"Sorry, we were supposed to eat at five and it's…” she glances at a nearby clock. “Wow. Eleven-thirty now. Reheated Chinese then bed?"

Allie nods, leaning down to press a kiss to Bea's lips. "Sounds good, Queen Bea," she says.

Bea doesn't mean to, but her eyes follow Allie's departing backside as she saunters to the kitchen.

They eat the reheated food in record time and despite being busted by Franky this morning, Bea can’t help but invite Allie to sleep in her room.

She tells herself it's easier if there's a nightmare. That she wants to keep an eye on Allie.

But it's mostly the calm she feels as Allie cuddles into her. The way that falling asleep feels warm, safe and utterly addictive.

It's mostly that it makes her happy.


	8. To the great unknown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know, just a normal day: Wake, work, haircut, eat, freak the hell out.
> 
> EDITED because I'm being really foolish today and not checking the whole story is uploaded before I post it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this story roughly 59,0000 times. And that is only a slight exaggeration. The characters were suddenly averse to sounding like actual humans. Which makes for tedious reading. I think I knocked it into shape in the end, though.
> 
> Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words, ultimately they're what keeps me writing.
> 
> Title is from 'Walking a Tightrope" from The Greatest Showman.

When Allie awakens, it is barely light, and she's surrounded in warmth.

Bea is soundly asleep, her beautiful features peaceful, her hair a jubilant, tangled triumph, streaming across the sheets. She's curled into Allie's personal space in a way that is nothing but a dream; an arm slung across her stomach, a head curled into her chest. Her legs draped across Allie's.

It's almost a relief to find that Bea is sound asleep. That Allie can just relax her features and let all the love she feels show on her face, as pure and honest as the first light of day.

Because she loves Bea. It's terrifying how fast it happened. When she was just a sexy voice in the dark she loved her, and now she's a person with boundaries and anxieties, a person with secrets, scars and history. Things she won't talk about. Things Allie knows she can't ask her.

And Allie has notices things; the way Bea trails off when Allie talked about her parents, the anger Bea has about drugs. The unseen scars. And she can only begin to speculate.

Allie hardly knows Bea; but god, she loves her. 

Allie finds she can't stop smiling, can't stop feeling things and saying things. She's terrified her mouth will run away. Afraid she'll accidentally say, "I love you," l instead of "I love it when you blush." So afraid she'll ruin this all by saying too much, too soon.

"Allie." Bea's voice is rough with sleep, her eyes hazy and beautifully dark. "You okay, sweetheart?"

Allie looks at her face. Her gorgeous brown eyes, sculpted cheekbones and soft lips. She runs a hand over the prominence of Bea's cheekbone, her mind hazy with affection. "Just thinking. Why?"

Bea's arms automatically come around her, massaging at her shoulders. “You felt tense." She says.

Allie nods, meaning to answer, but thrown by the feel of Bea's hands, massaging at her shoulder blades. She presses just roughly enough to feel good. Immediately, Allie feels all kinds of turned on and she closes her eyes and lets out a sound of satisfaction. 

She feels Bea's hands leave her shoulders, clasping her cheeks. And she opens her eyes again to find Bea staring at her, blushing furiously.

"Sorry," she says. "But can I kiss you?"

Allie giggles. "Sorry" she replies in kind, her eyes already on Bea's lips "but not if I kiss you first."

Bea smiles as they kiss, and Allie finds herself smiling too. When they part for breath, they're both grinning like idiots.

Allie thinks of all the times she's thought she was in love. All the times she's said she was in love, and none of it was like this.

\-----

Bea stares at Allie. 

Then tries not to stare.

And then stares some more.

At some point Allie meets her gaze, raises her eyebrows. Muttering an excuse about water, Bea tip-toes down the stairs.

It's a strange thing, this wanting. Bea has never really wanted before, focused more on doing without and trying to avoid pain. Apologizing, tip-toeing and applying makeup to hide the marks when inevitably, all of that fails.

She returns with two glasses of water, putting one on Allie's side, one on her own.

As Allie pulls her back into her arms for another cuddle, she thinks maybe it's okay to want, okay to crave.

Because Allie is everything she wants; kind and funny, thoughtful and gorgeous. And so warm as they cuddle together. Her nose nuzzles into Bea's neck, inhaling her like she's something gorgeous.

Today she's especially sweet, especially clingy. And Bea knows something's up; that something is worrying her. 

But it's still such a rush when Allie inhales her deeply and murmurs "How do you smell so nice first thing in the morning?"

Because she wants this. Like she's never really wanted anything before. She's filled with questions and curiosity. She wants to know everything about Allie, wants to see her, kiss her, talk to her. 

It's a strange contrast. Because life during Harry was very closed, just attempt after attempt to make things hurt less.

But Allie doesn't hurt at all. 

Bea cuddles into Allie, pressing kisses to the parts of her she can reach; nose, cheeks, shoulders, neck, eyelids. Their chests press together, and Allie's hands come out, pausing their progress. "What time do we need to get up, Bea?" She asks.

Bea feels suffused with warmth, delightfully distracted by the warmth that seems to accompany their togetherness. "Hmm?" She says, staring at Allie's lips. "Oh, not until eight today. Liz is opening."

Allie glances at the clock. "It's not yet six." She comments, raising her eyes at Bea

Bea leans in and kisses her the way she does in the brave moments, long and deep. She pulls Allie into her, more purposeful than usual because it feels like things are changing for her. That it's okay to want. Allie is lying on top of her, and their kisses have escalated so quickly that they're both panting desperately in the intervals between.

She hazily reflects that lying down while kissing is a whole different ballgame. They're closer, the angle is easier to bend to her will; so that when Allie's leg lands between hers, she's able to wraps her thighs around it, able to flex more fully around the pressure that builds in her core. "Oh Allie!" She rasps out.

She hears her own moan. And then Allie breaks away from her lips, kissing her neck and without thought she pulls Allie against the part of her that now throbs with want by cupping her backside and pressing their lower bodies together.

Allie groans, bucking insistently against Bea. Her eyes are shot through with black, her mouth agape. And suddenly Bea feels very, very powerful.

She grasps Allie's butt again, drawn irresistibly to squeezing it this time, as she pulls her against her again and again. They both moan, louder. 

And then, of course, Bea's alarm buzzes into life.

\-------

"Fucking alarm." Says Allie cheerfully as they make their way down the stairs. 

They'd retreated to their separate rooms to change after it went. At least ten minutes must have passed, but Bea still feel unhinged.

"Allie... aren't you, I don't know, distracted?"

Allie grins, pressing her lips briefly against Bea's cheek. "Babe, distracted is trying to talk to someone while watching sports on the telly. I'm more... " she lowers her voice, in case Franky is around and "turned on." She finishes quietly.

Bea tugs her to a stop near the bottom stair, frowning. "Then why are you so cheerful? I feel almost...angry?" She says.

Allie kisses her sweetly, her hands stroking Bea's cheeks. "I'm around you." She says simply. "I'll always be happy around you, even when I'm also turned on."

Bea looks back at Allie, her eyes more black than brown. "Don't think it works the same for me." She comments wryly. "I just feel... frustrated."

Allie smiles, kissing her again. "Babe, that part is very mutual." 

When they come around the corner they immediately see Franky seated at the table, grinning cheekily at them both. Her girlfriend, Bridget beside her. 

"Allie, Gidget, Gidget, Allie" she introduces briefly.

The women smiles hello to Bea, and shakes Allie's hand, before Bea and Allie sit across from them. "Actually it's Bridget." She corrects. "And it's nice to meet you, Allie. Franky's a fan."

Allie raises an eye at Franky. "Busted." She comments, dryly, "Now I know you like me"

Franky snorts "not as much as Red does."

"Better not be as much as I do," says Bea moodily, leaning over to kiss Allie on the lips. Under the table, her hand grips Allie's thigh.

Franky blinks rapidly, her mouth agape. Bridget bring a hand to her mouth to hide her smile. And Allie smiles widely, shocked into uncharacteristic silence by Bea's public display of affection.

"Jesus Red. Keep it in your pants!" says Franky. But she grins at Bridget, delighted.

"Why are you two here, anyway?" Bea asks, ignoring Franky's comment.

"Left my myki card in my other bag and can't be fucked driving today." She explains. "Which was lucky." She continues "because I also left my house mate gettin' it on with her new girlfriend. And that's always worth perving at."

"God Franky. It was just a kiss." Says Allie. But Bea can see she looks pleased.

"Yeah. Leave my girl alone." Says Bea, her arm coming around Allie's.

Franky's mouth hangs open again, eventually reattaching itself to her mouth. She makes a couple of suggestive comments before she notices that Bea isn't listening. She's watching, entranced as Allie's blush travels down her neck. 

\--------  
After she finishes her 11am ("just a trim, please") Bea finds herself heading to the back room for the umpteenth time that day. It's been slow-going, probably because it's pouring outside. So, it's not like she's needed, exactly.

But she's doing it a lot. She knows it's noticeable; has seen the grins and winks every time she makes a silly excuse about needing more toner or conditioner.

An hour and a half ago she tried the conditioner excuse and it was not her best moment. Franky hadn't said anything, but her eyes had flicked straight from Bea to the almost-full bottle of conditioner next to her. Busted.

She walks into the back room and sees Allie's eyes light up instantly.

"Bea! Thank goodness! I've started talking to myself. Are you sure you don't have any paperwork I can do?"

"God, you're weird." Says Bea affectionately, leaning across to stroke Allie's hair. "And no, no paperwork. It's really slow out there so even the much-coveted hair-sweeping duties are out for now."

Allie laughs. "Find me a hair brush and I'll cover the floor with my hair alone." She declares. "I think I'm malting or something."

"I could give you a haircut." Says Bea. And for some reason she really, really wants to, "you could go shorter, lighter maybe?"

Allie shakes her head. "You're a hairdresser."

Bea shrugs "yes... meaning it's literally my job description to cut your hair."

Allie shrugs. "I haven't combed my hair since high school. And that's only barely an exaggeration. It's a mess. You'll remember you're dating a mess."

She runs her hand through her hair, yanking at it pointedly when her fingers catch in a knot. 

Bea just shakes her head. "Every time I remember I'm dating you I just feel happy." She says. 

"She does" confirms Maxine, who’d apparently walked in unnoticed. "It's really sweet. She just glazes over. " 

"Or pretends to be out of toner so she can go and see you when there's a giant fucking bottle of it right next to her." Adds Franky as she strides in.

Bea huffs, going red. But she can see Allie looks pleased. "Jesus, what do you two want? Is It pick-on-Bea day?" 

"Nah. But it's fucking slow and Liz wants to leave early. That okay?"

Bea nods. "That's fine, Franky. Maxine?"

"Like Franky say, it's not busy. Wondered if there's any paperwork to be done."

Bea shakes her head. "Nah, Allie cleared me out of it. I don't have anything until 4:00 right?

At Maxine's nod she grasps Allie's hands, pulling her to her feet.

"Come on Allie. Let me do this. You don't need to worry. I love your hair."

Allie nods and smiles, her cheeks pink. Bea looks up, taking in Franky's smirk and Maxine's contained but evident happiness. She wonders what she just said but finds she can't quite bring herself to remember or care. Watching Allie blushing is so much better than anything else.

\---------

"So, what are you thinking." Says Allie as she sits in the chair, a protective sheet wrapped around her clothes.

Bea's hands flutter through Allie's hair. "Shorter and lighter, if that's okay? she says. Allie just nods.

A short time later they're in front of the basins. Feeling Bea's hands carefully sluice the warm water through her hair makes Allie feel grateful and turned on in unison. The head massage, the gentle rubbing that accompanies shampoo and conditioner. It's all just heavenly.

Bea seems to cut away acres of her hair. But she feels strangely light as she watches hanks of hair fall to the floor. Because it's an hour of Bea's eyes on her, Bea's hands in her hair, Bea's body visible in many mirrors. 

The end result is stunning. A golden shoulder-length bob that swings silkily around her face. She thinks that even more than the haircut, she loves the way Bea can't seem to stop touching it. Her fingers coming back to stroke it for hours after.

\----

Despite the slow afternoon, business picks up in the evening meaning it is dark by the time Bea and Allie get home.

"It really does suit you, you know." Says Bea, her hands coming up to stroke through Allie's hair. 

Allie smiles, feeling warm with affection for Bea. She should tease Bea for saying that for the nineteen thousandth time. But she loves the way Bea can't stop taking about her hair, can't stop touching it.

"Thanks, I have a good hairdresser," she says. And Bea grins and blushes.

"I get why you like me blushing now." She says. "I like it when you blush, too."

Allie smiles. "When did I blush today?" She asks. She knows she did today, and unusually often. Just wants to hear Bea retell it.

Bea grins. "This morning. When I called you my girl."

Allie smiles widely. "I loved you saying that." She says. "You're getting really brave lately, Bea."

Bea sort of squints at her, genuinely confused. "Nah, it's just-"

"-Brave." Allie interrupts. Marie tried hard to squash you and she's fucking good at that. You would let her say a word against me. I felt so safe next to you."

Bea shrugs. "She made me mad." She said. "I wanted to bash her face in for the way she belittled you; for her horrible emotional blackmail, and when people hurt people I care about..." she trails off, looking uncomfortable and Allie reaches for her hand, kissing it and then noticing Bea is uncomfortable she rushes to change the topic.

"And then there was this morning." Allie says.

Bea looks puzzled. And then red.

"Oh. The uh, well..."

"The butt grab. Well, technically butt grabs." Allie grins cheekily. "I didn't expect that of you, Bea Smith!"

"Allie, I'm sor-"

Allie puts a finger over Bea's lips and their eyes lock; both thrown by the contact. "I loved it." She says. Couldn't you tell I loved it? Did I not," she paused, moistening her lips, a movement Bea can't help but follow with her eyes "...did I not moan loudly enough for you?"

Bea grins, fighting shyness and the heat in her lower belly until she can raise her head to meet Allie's eyes. "I loved it too." She finally says. And then they just stare at each other, smiling widely.

They eat burgers and french fries for dinner, chattering lightly about the slow work day, and in Bea's case, Allie's hair.

"You look beautiful." Says Bea, for the seventeen millionth time. I mean of course you do," she says, getting flustered at Allie's smile. "That's... how your face is."

"Talking about yourself again, aye Bea." Says Allie. "And thanks again. I love it. I don't think it's been this short since I was eleven and I cut it myself."

"You cut your own hair?" Says Bea curiously.

"Yeah. I wanted a haircut, but my mum wanted it long because she thought they looked more, I dunno, proper. She was big on keeping up appearances."

Bea grins, trying to picture kid-Allie. "I bet you were adorable." She says. "As well as being a rebel, I mean."

Allie shrugs, more curious about Bea than keen to reflect on herself. "What were you like as a kid?" She asks.

Bea rolls her eyes. "Shy. I'm sure that's not a surprise. I loved drawing."

"Do you still draw?"

"A bit. It’s just a hobby. I'm not good. But I do find it relaxing."

"Can I.... can I see them?" Bea is surprised by the craving in Allie's voice, by the yearning in her eyes.

"They're not like, good, or anything." Says Bea. "But yeah. I'll go get them."

She runs up the stairs two at a time, in a hurry and not sure why.

When she returns Allie looks excited. "I told you, they're not..."

"But they're yours, beautiful. That makes them irresistible."

Bea smiles, kissing Allie on the cheek and sitting down next to her.

Allie opens the book, gasping at the first page. It's a long-haired cat, one Bea used to see often in her old neighborhood. Lying in the street, having just rolled in the dust. 

"These are really good." Allie says, her voice low and impressed. "Bea, they're so good."

She flips slowly through the pages, and the obvious admiration in her voice makes Bea feel both baffled and delighted.

Allie cuddles into Bea's side, turning another page and it's Debbie. Her slightly nervous smile, curly hair, Her young, stilted beauty.

Gone. 

It's a cold jolt inside her. A leaden weight. Everything bleeds of colour; cold and dark. and all she can hear is her heart thumping impossibly loudly. She’s winded; can't draw any breath in, can't puff any breath out. And the pain is excruciating. Her baby. Her little girl. The needle in her arm and then…

Gone. 

Just gone.

She thinks for a while that she can hear Allie’s voice, but its soon lost in the overwhelming feeling of loss. She can only hear her breaths gasp forth. Can feel the cold of her body, the heat of her tears. And the erratic drum-beat of her heart reminds her that her daughter is out there somewhere, cold, in a box. Leached of spirit, personality, life.

Leaving Bea all all alone.


	9. Yes, this is where I keep my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, so in the interests of not giving anything away...
> 
> Bea panics, Allie tries to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments. You have no idea the impact your words have on my ability to write. I accidentally deleted the vast quantity of this chapter and nearly gave up on it completely. So thank you for your comments. Bagi, your comment came at just the right moment to be honest.
> 
> This chapter is named for the song Copper and Malachite by Ben Sollee, which I listened to for the entirety of writing this chapter because I'm excessive like that. The whole line is "This is where I keep my heart/ Not on my sleeve." I think it's a very Bea quote which is why I wanted to say it in full.
> 
> I'm about to undergo a significant life change. That may make me write a lot more, or it may have the opposite effect. We shall see. Either way. I'd say this is going to end up longer than the 15 chapters I initially planned.

Bea’s eyes are blank and wide in her chalk-white face, her breaths startling from her in jagged gasps. Her cheeks are streaked with tears. 

Nothing that Allie does seems to register. Not calling her name, nor wiping errant tear after errant tear from her cheeks. Even Allie’s increasingly frantic voice doesn’t cut through. 

Allie retreats briefly inside herself, taking in a slow, deep breath. She needs to be calm right now. She knows, somehow, that Bea will respond to that. She consciously slows her breathing. And then she reaches over, stroking her fingers through the beautiful, curly profusion of Bea’s hair. 

“Bea, my love,” she says gently. “You need to come back to me.” Bea stills, her eyes losing a little of the vacant look. Her hands grasp Allies's shoulders, running up and down them. Stopping to rub her fingers over the tiny creases at the bends of Allie’s elbow, the smoothness of her wrists. Details. Things she can use to ground herself.

“Tell me things.” she says. Her voice has a strange, desperate pitch to it. Allie starts talking almost before she s considered what she should say. 

“You’re okay, Bea. You’re here with me. I’m not going anywhere. My hands are stroking your hair. Can you feel that? She continues to run her fingers through Bea’s curls, while leaning over to kiss her cheeks, tasting salt and sadness. “I’m kissing your cheeks too. Can you feel that, my love? I’m right here. You’re here with me.”

Bea nods, still inhaling and exhaling too fast, her hands falling to Allie’s thighs. “Tell me things. Distract me. And don’t leave.”

Allie brings her fingers to stroke Bea’s cheeks, still wet with tears. “Babe, I’m not going anywhere.” She struggles with what to talk about. She may be back in the land of the living, but she knows shit-all about what is actually going on in it. She knows who that lovingly drawn picture is of; that unmistakeable smile...how could she not? But Bea is still shaking, still coming out of her panic attack. Now is not the time. She needs something gentle. So there's really only has one topic of choice.

“I’ll tell you about you.” she decides. Bea looks confused, a little worried.

Allie shifts, sitting next to Bea and cuddling into her, pulling Bea’s arm up around hers shoulder “I was resting and it was cold. Then there was this beautiful, husky voice” she pauses, kissing Bea’s cheek, before continuing “and this gorgeous face” she runs her fingers up and down Bea’s cheekbones, the tip of her chin. “I thought you might be a freaking angel, I was so drawn to you.” 

Bea releases a shuddering sigh, cuddling further into Allie. Her breathing is beginning to slow, but she looks exhausted. Allie continues to talk, blocking all the millions of questions she has about what Bea just reacted to in order to tell Bea things that will help. And hoping it’ll help ease the awful burden brought about by Bea’s beautiful drawing.

“And then I woke up in hospital.” she continues. “And you were there and giving a shit for no reason I could see. And you were such a babe. The way you blushed. The way you ducked your head shyly and hid behind your hair.” she shakes her head, “and don't even get me started on your exquisite arse.” she continues. “I couldn't stop staring at me when you were shyly avoiding talking to me, and then anytime you turned away I again, couldn't stop staring at you.”  
“I don’t even remember who kissed who first.” she continues. "I was shocked and privileged and so damn happy I wanted to do a dance." But I thought you’d think I was weird.

“I do think you’re weird” says Bea finally, her voice muffled by being curled against Allie’s neck. But the cheek that Allie can see is delightfully pink, and Bea’s her breathing is slowly returning to normal. And Allie thinks that she can hear a smile in Bea’s voice.

Just as Allie is about to speak again, Bea moves her head back so she’s eye to eye with Allie and starts talking. “I don't know who kissed who first either.” she says quietly. I mean, I think I liked you for ages before I realised...“ she pauses, flushing and Allie kisses the reddened skin of her cheek.

“Before I realised that I wanted to kiss you.” Bea finishes. Allie feels herself fill with love for Bea, brave, beautiful Bea. Who just had a panic attack and is still bravely sharing something of herself. 

“And then -” she adds “well, after a while it was all I could think of. And it wasn't like that with anyone before. No matter how awkward I was around you, I had to try and be there with you.” She laughs, but there is little humour in it. “Though you must be glutton for punishment to stick around through my panic attack.”

Allie hugs Bea tightly against her, feeling the miracle of Bea’s body against her own. “It’s you, beautiful. So I want to be here. On the good days, but especially on the bad ones. I’m glad to be.”

Bea’s breathing speeds up again, and Allie can feel her heart hammer in her chest. Allie’s hands come up to stroke her hair. She feels something’s coming.

“That was my daughter, Debbie. The picture.” Bea finally says, quietly. And Allie s knows, just as she knew who was in the picture, that there’s more awfulness to follow.

“She died.” Bea finally says. “Drugs.” She adds, her tone distant. Allie‘s heart rips in two for Bea. For the beautiful, smiling girl who looked so alive, and had her mother’s eyes. She can feel tears rise in her eyes, feel the aching sadness feel her gut. Feel Bea’s pain as if it is her own.

She holds Bea’s head in hers, shifting back a little so their eyes meet. Bea looks calm, resigned. “Bea, she was beautiful and far too young, and I’m so, so sorry” she says, tears stinging her eyes.

Bea takes one look at Allie’s beautiful, caring face and absolutely howls, hugging Allie tightly against her. They both cry; Bea loudly, Allie quietly. Huddling together for warmth against the worst thing that ever happened in Bea’s life.

Much later, Allie leaves Bea sleeping on the couch and goes to the kitchen to make them both sandwiches. Her head hurts from crying; hell, her heart hurts from crying too. She wishes she could have met Debbie, have seen Bea with her, mothering her.

In some ways, she understands Bea a lot better now. That there’s a part of her that was and always will be a mother mourning her child. Allie’s love doesn't feel bigger, exactly. But it’s more in focus now. She already knows she will never, ever do drugs again.

She slices cheese, tomato, cucumber and rocket salad, and puts them all between thick slices of white bread. When she returns to the room Bea is still fast asleep, probably exhausted after her crying jag. Allie leaves the sandwiches on the coffee table and gets glasses of water for both of them. She collects a blanket from over the back of the couch, tucking it around her sleeping girlfriend. Then she sits down next to Bea’s head, hands automatically stroking her hair.  
\--

When Bea wakes up it’s to the soothing feeling of Allie’s fingers stroking her hair. And despite the awfulness of the past few hours, she feels okay. Sad, drained, but safe, with Allie’s warmth so close to her.

Feeling okay shouldn't feel revolutionary, but it does. It is.

“Hi.” She says, her voice even raspier than usual, her eyes grainy and sore from all the tears.

Allie leans down, placing kisses on Bea’s cheek, her hairline, her lips. “I’m glad ya got some rest. I made us some sandwiches. Seemed easier than ordering in.”

Bea nods, sitting up long enough to accept the proffered plate before cuddling into Allie’s side. She’s shorter than Allie, so her head fits perfectly into the side of her neck and she cant help but think that they fit together perfectly. Once they're both finished Allie clears their plates. Bea knows she’s being weird and needy, but when Allie takes them back to the kitchen she freaking misses her. 

When Allie comes back into the room Bea wraps her in her arms and kisses her. Because she’s grateful to have her in her life. For her heartfelt words, for the way they mourned Debbie together, cuddled together. She’s so grateful, but she’s simply too exhausted to have the words. 

It isn't until they’re lying in bed, cuddled together that Allie brings up Debbie again. She’s stroking Bea’s cheek as they lie facing each other, her eyes soft and beautiful in the half light. 

“Tell me more about Debbie.” she asks. And there’s yearning in her words. She really wants to know. They aren't just words to fill in the silence.

Bea wonders if Allie has any idea of the impact that the simple words have on her. The way they travel somewhere that was closed off and abandoned, and open it simply, with gentility and sweetness. She strokes the softness of Allie’s hair and wonders how the hell she got so lucky. And how much Allie is comfortable with knowing.

In a strange way, the fact of Debbie’s death has blotted out the great joys of her life. For years Bea has given only it’s end her thoughts. But Allie’s question wakes Bea up, and she’s feels heavy with joy at the memories that burst into colour within her. 

She wants to share every piece of preciousness she witnessed in Debbie’s life with Allie. But maybe Allie doesn't want that; cant cope with that burden in the grand scheme of her life. So she takes a deep breath, steeling herself.

Finally she says “What do you wanna know?” 

“Everything” Allie says simply. 

Bea sits up in the bed, can’t help but bring Allie to her, holding her so tightly, kissing her so softly. She knows she is crying again, but unusually it doesn't feel like it’s ripping her apart. Instead, It’s almost like it’s building her back up.

“She was smart.” she begins. “Really stubborn.” she adds, with a smile. Because it’s hard not to remember the way she tried to house every animal she found inside her bedroom.

Allie strokes Bea’s cheek. “”Like her mother then.” she comments. And Bea smiles, kissing Allie’s cheek softly.

Bea smiles, remembering the way she shared the things she loved. The piece of a chocolate bar she never failed to offer. The way she’d try to divert Harry’s interest when he was escalating, the frequent hugs, hand-grasps. “Most of all she was... she was kind” 

They talk until it becomes light outside and Bea keeps waiting for it to hurt. It’s painful at times, but mostly it just feels so good to talk about Debbie again. To be avidly listened to, questioned. To share Debbie. With Allie warm and wonderful against her, Bea finds that the words come incredibly easily.

\-- 

When Bea wakes, it’s to Allie’s face right next to hers, Allie’s beautiful blue eyes staring at her.

She smiles a little shyly, aware of her messy hair and likely tear-marked cheeks. Aware of the fact she spent the better part of last night crying.

“Hey. What’re you doing?”

Allie grins at her. “Watching you sleep.” she says.

Bea blushes, and then feels immensely frustrated with herself. “I don't know why I still blush sometimes. We’re close, you know? But sometimes I just get self conscious.” she shrugs. 

Allie shrugs. “sometimes you do get self conscious.” she agrees. “And sometimes you stare at me. And sometimes you grope my butt. And sometimes you call me your girl in front of your friends.” So I’ll take it, whatever it is. I love it when you do all of those things.”

Bea’s face breaks into a wide smile. “You always know what to say. About Debbie. About my silly insecurities. I named it, you know. In the early days, when I just had this paralysingly uncomfortable crush on you. I called it the Allie effect.”

Allie smiles widely, clearly elated “That’s...you’re really good for my ego, Bea Smith.”

Bea smiles at her. “What time is it?” she asks.

“Early.” says Allie. Almost six. But, well- If it’s okay with you?”

Bea looks at her curiously, leaning her face on her hand. “What?”

Allie looks uncertain. “You had a panic attack.” She says bluntly. “And you didn't sleep much. Maybe you should take a day?

Bea shakes her head. “I’ll be okay. I can handle it," she says stubbornly.

Allie nods, and Bea watches her teeth come out to bite into her lip. “I know that, I know you’ll get through it. But sometimes getting through things is overrated. And you don’t have to, you know.”

Bea looks at her, confused, but Allie continues to speak. And she looks worried. 

“I don’t want to overstep.” she continues. You can tell me to fuck off if you want, but you had a hard night. And you deserve a recovery day. I can make you some food, spoil you a little. Maybe if you want we can talk about Debbie some more?”

Allie’s voice is soft, and uncertain. And it’s that, more than anything else that makes Bea think that maybe a day off wouldn't hurt. She wants Allie to know she listens to her; trusts her. That her words matter.

She clasps Allie’s hand in hers and leans over to kiss the younger blonde softly, marvelling at her own power. It’s heavenly, the way she can make Allie relax. The way she can make Allie feel as strong and smart as she actually is.

She wants to give Allie some measure of that. Some power.

“Okay.” she agrees simply, feeling brave. “But only because it’s you asking, sweetheart. And you ”- she leans over and kisses Allie again -”Are my very favourite person.”

Allie's answering smile is blinding.


	10. You don't know it yet (but you're everything)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing happens. I wrote 3,000+ words and nothing really happens. I hate summaries
> 
> There's a phone call, some talking, some other stuff.
> 
> So enjoy that...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason writing this felt like pushing an elephant up a hill using a teaspoon. Or some other analogy that basically means it was bloody hard and I did lots of deleting stuff before I came up with this, which I'm about 75% happy with. I hope you like it. I've written and deleted so much at this point I can only half tell you what is still in it.
> 
> Thank you for your kind words. They forced this out of me in the end. You are all amazing for telling me you liked it. Please continue to let me know your thoughts.
> 
> Title is a lyric from "You" by Fisher.

Aware that Franky is at her girlfriend’s house again, Bea prepares herself to dial Franky’s cellphone around six in the morning, knowing the tattooed brunette’s morning routines well enough to be sure she’ll be well and truly up by then.

For Bea, it’s a hard phone call to make. She always works, no matter what. She’s worked after painful, thorough beatings and in the aftermath of her daughter’s death she did nothing but work. If anything she leaned heavily into work, relying on it to make the days pass. Mere months ago she’d been forced to go home by Franky on the third day of a particularly bad flu and there’d almost been kicking and screaming on her part at the prospect of just sitting at home. So to take a day off because she had a rough day yesterday feels absolutely bat-shit crazy. But Allie’s hovering, her insistence and her sweet, gentle attentions to Bea make the strange, foreign idea feel like the right one. So she cuddles into Allie’s fragrant warmth and dials Franky’s number.

Franky is characteristically blunt. “Red, it’s the arse-crack of dawn and ya don't start until nine. Why the fuck ya awake?”

From where she lies cuddled into Allie’s shoulder, Bea can see the blonde’s face when she looks over at her. Allie smiles encouragingly at her, reaching one hand over to stroke gently at Bea’s hair. It helps more than it probably should.

“Franky, I need to take a day.” says Bea. Allie’s hands continue to stroke through her hair, and Bea wonders if Allie knows how calming she is. How much she’s helping Bea to get the words out. 

Franky sounds incredulous. “Bea Smith taking a day? Was there a fuckin’ apocalypse? Or did blondie convince ya an all day fuckathon was on the cards?”

“Fuck sake, Franky!” says Bea, annoyed with herself at how distracted she is by Franky’s typically crass innuendo. “Can you not be a dickhead for once? Can’t you just listen?”

There’s a silence and then Franky says “Sorry Red. Just messin’ with ya. Go on.”

Bea reaches for Allie’s hand. “I just need a day.” she insists into the phone. She looks at Allie again, and something coiled inside her unfurls at the gentle look on her face. “Allie and I talked about Debbie yesterday and it was good, but... really sad. So I need a day.”

Again there’s a silence on the other end of the line, and when Franky responds there’s an unusual quality to her voice; a softness. 

“Of course, Red. Good on ya for taking care of ya’self and taking a day. It’s...” she pauses, and Bea can hear a sharp intake of breath. “...Well, it’s not at all like ya, Red. But it’s damn good thing.” she finally says.

“It was Allie’s idea.” Bea admits softly, and she finds her hand reaching out pull the blonde into her. Once they’re cuddled together she winds her hand through Allie’s soft blonde locks.

There’s a sharp intake of breath over the line before Franky speaks again. “God, I’m glad you found her.” she says simply.

“Yeah,” says Bea, leaning back a little to meet Allie’s clear blue eyes, simply unable to stop herself smiling, “Me too.”

Once the phone call is over, she hugs Allie tightly, kissing her with feeling and hoping desperately that the kiss expresses some of what she feels. When they part they’re both a little breathless. 

“Franky said she was glad I found you.” She tells Allie. And all over again it crashes over her with a fierceness how lucky she is, how kind and smart and just...beautiful Allie is. “I’m so glad I met you. I just...” she pauses, unable to quite put it into words. “I think the absolute world of you.” she says, with vehemence.

Allie smiles, her beautiful eyes filling with tears. “Bea, you’re the loveliest thing that’s ever happened to me.” she utters. 

Bea grasps Allie’s face in hers, fingers gently disrupting the path of tears. It’s new for her, wanting to share things. But it’s really important to her that Allie knows how much she’s helped her. “After Debbie... I felt paralyzed by life, either really miserable or really...” She shrugs. “Numb.”

She leans in and kisses Allie again. “And then, you.” She says simply.

“And then, you.” Allie counters. “I don’t know how I got so lucky. I keep expecting to wake up.”

“Me too.” says Bea, her eyes flicking briefly to Allie’s beautiful ones before she loses her courage and averts eye contact . “I hope you stay liking me. I’m so inexperienced I worry...” She shrugs. “I just worry.” she says, nibbling on her lip.

Allie looks at Bea carefully. Sees the doubt. And she wonders if it’d help Bea to know she’s already in love with her. That she is already in way too deep. But it’s too much right now. She’s too much. So she tries to find comforting words instead.

She leans over and kisses Bea softly, cupping her red cheeks fondly. “Queen Bea, you have nothing to worry about. “I don't mind slow. Holy shit, slow is the sexiest thing ever when it’s slow with you. Because, gorgeous, it’s with you.”

"I don't want to push you." She continues. "I don't find pushing people to do things they're not ready for sexy. And I'm not-” her hand reaches out, stroking Bea's cheek. "I'm really not just saying that. This is a dream; you're my dream girl. It's all way more than I ever expected. And anything you want is fine. Anything you don't want is fine. We really can just kiss. Or cuddle. Or if you just let me sit with you and stare inappropriately for prolonged periods of time that'd be fine too."

Bea let's out a shocked, husky laugh.

"Allie, how are you even real?" She asks.

Allie smiles at her. "I ask myself the same thing about you all the time." She says sweetly. "You came out of nowhere like a literal angel. Those big, dark eyes staring down at me. I knew right then you were it for me.”

Bea smiles softly. "My last relationship was also my first relationship...and he was... very violent. I have scars on top of my scars. In a way it felt like he’d taken my body from me.”

Allie presses kisses against Bea’s cheeks, her nose. “Bea, lovely Bea, I’m so sorry. But you’re-”

Bea interrupts Allie, kissing her with something like confidence. “It’s okay, Allie. He has less hold on me than he used to. You came into my life and I felt... looked at. Admired. And I liked it. I mean, it also made me awkward and flushed as fuck. But I really liked that you stared. That you couldn't stop staring. Even when you were trying not to. You made me see something in myself, again.”

Allie cups a hand around Bea’s cheek fondly. “I mean, have you seen you?” says Allie seriously. “There’s so much to stare at that sometimes my eyes get confused.”

Bea giggles. “Says the world’s most gorgeous girl!” she mutters. “You’re... you exude light. From the start I felt so drawn to you. Even just looking at you...You make me want things.” 

Allie leans forward, planting a smacking kiss on Bea. "Good." she declares with fervour that surprises Bea. She smiles at Bea a little cheekily. “What kind of things?

Bea blushes. “You know.” she says, flushing.

Allie lies down next to Bea, smiling cheekily. “I don’t think I do, Bea. You’ll need to explain. Tell me what things I make you want.” She licks her lips, staring at Bea with abundant sensuality.

“You’re mean.” says Bea. But she’s smiling beneath the blush. And she never, ever wants to look away from the sultry look that Allie is giving her.

"You really were like an angel." Bea finally says. "I mean, I don't remember the last time I had a crush on someone. This may be super weird but...I never really felt like this about anyone before.”

“That’s not weird at all.” says Allie, her eyes wide and delighted. “That makes me” she shakes her head, tearing up. “Oh Bea, it makes me want things too.”

It should be disconcerting to be lying this close, staring directly at one another. But Bea doesn't want it to ever end. She wipes Allie’s tears as they fall. Happy tears because that’s what they do for each-other; they make one another happy. And she finds she wants to tell Allie what it was like to fall for her.

"I was young when I met Harry, Debbie’s dad." Bea says "but it was never like-" she blushes, but meets Allie's blue eyes. "It was never like this. It wasn’t even in the same freaking postal code. This rush. From the beginning I felt all lit up in your presence. And everything you did and said made you look more tempting, more beautiful. I wanted to draw you – I still do. I spent ages trying to think of an accurate way to describe the colour of your eyes. And your lips.” emboldened, she reaches out a hand, caressing Allie’s bottom lip with her hand. “I used to think about doing that a lot.” she says. “I kinda can’t believe I’m allowed to touch it now.” She looks over at Allie, delighted to see her cheeks suffused with redness.

“Allie Novak. Are you blushing?” she asks playfully.

“Yeah.” Says Allie, reaching over and kissing Bea a little messily because she feels both stunned and delighted.

“I found out the girl I fancy more than I’ve ever fancied anybody was apparently as fixated on me as I was on her.” It’s either blush or run straight into the wall. And you like it when I blush.”

She pauses, reaching out a hand to stroke Bea’s cheek. "For me it was your eyes, your cheekbones” she says softly. "Then it was your long, slender fingers.”

Bea blushes. “Oh Allie,” she mutters, feeling bashful and pleased. 

But Allie is not yet finished. “Forgive me! How could I forget your butt? God, I still can’t keep my eyes off it. And I think about touching it to a distracting degree.

Bea stares at Allie, charmed, embarrassed, turned on. And words flow out of her before she’s really thought them through.

"I never wanted to have sex before. It never felt good – I don't think I realised it could. It felt like...another way to hurt me; humiliate me.”

“But with you I just think about your beautiful body and about it – that - all the time. And the stuff we’ve done has felt amazing. But then I know I have a million scars, and I’m scared you’ll find me repulsive so I get scared. I want so much to see you naked, but I don’t want you to see me that way...how messed up is that?”

“It’s not messed up.” says Allie. “But I one million percent won’t find you repulsive. We’ll take our time, gorgeous. We’ll do what you want. What you feel comfortable with”

"Sorry." says Bea. "I realise I'm the dictionary definition of mixed signals.”

“You’re really not.” says Allie. “Everything you say makes sense. And I only want you to feel good. So we’ll work with what you want, ‘kay?”

Bea nods, pressing a kiss to Allie’s mouth, feeling brave. “I thought about your boobs too.” she says, when they break apart. She lowers her eyes and says quietly, “Like, far too much.”

Allie laughs, sounding slightly shocked. “Oh Bea, I always think I’m unshockable but somehow you manage it - you’re really good at surprising me!” she says, laughing lightly. Bea thinks there’s no nicer sound. 

She presses kiss after kiss against Bea’s pliant mouth. But she clearly doesn’t want to push it because after the eighth kiss or so she stops, instead cuddling into Bea.

Bea, feeling brave, lets her hands roam. She marvels at the feel of the Allies's skin radiating heat beneath the thin, black singlet she wears. 

Early on in her exploration she noticed that Allie wasn’t wearing a bra, and then spent the next few minutes trying desperately not to notice. But she knows that her hands keep returning to feel it’s absence on Allie’s upper back. It’s like she can’t help herself.

She loves this; loves the way Allie’s breathing changes as her hands continue to roam. The huffs of joy as Bea’s hands stroke at her collarbone. It isn’t until Bea leans over to press a kiss against her neck that her hands finally grip at Bea’s sides and Bea knows she’s trying to be respectful; loves her for it. But loves, perhaps more, the way Allie can’t resist touching her.

 

“You’re so warm.” she comments inanely. 

Allie leans over and kisses her hard, their bodies melting together.

“You’re so hot.” She says when their lips part, her voice low and syrupy.”God Bea, I love your hands on me.”

For a second Bea just stares at her, entranced by her face, her pouting lips, her gorgeous, tempting body so irresistibly close. And then she pulls Allie on top of her, kissing her soundly, moving her hips against Allie’s leg. 

She feels the moment Allie presses an answering leg between hers, gasping audibly at the immediate jolt of heat which the pressure between her legs creates.

“God, you’re so gorgeous” says Allie between kisses. Her warm body and heat-filled words make Bea feel swamped with longing and she finds herself raising her hips nearly off the bed, trying to feel more friction with Allie’s leg. More of everything with Allie.

Bea’s hands grab impatiently at the hemline of Allie’s singlet, feeling bare skin and warm fabric beneath her clenched fists. 

“Can I?” she begins urgently, trying to find the right words. “Can I?” she tries again.

Allie’s eyes meet Bea’s, more black than blue. Her face is red and she’s breathless and beautiful. She pull Bea up a little, so they’re both sitting closely and puts her hands over Bea’s on either side of her singlet, helping her to tug it off.

Bea’s fingers tangle briefly in Allie’s hair and suddenly her singlet is off. Time oozes to a stop and Bea stares. Wanting to see it all and touch it all, but having no idea how to start.

So she just stares like a stupid, fucking teenager.

Allie’s skin is paler underneath; and it gives her a luminescent, untouched quality. Her breasts are rounded and lovely. Bea’s brain skitters sideways dizzily at how much she wants to touch them. To stroke her fingers over the beautiful breasts, the flatness of her stomach.

“You’re perfect.” she says faintly. It’s daunting, how lovely Allie is to behold. How much she wants this. How turned on she is by just seeing Allie’s bare breasts.

Allie’s hand on her cheek brings her out of her stupor. And then she’s staring at Allie’s beautiful eyes. They’re darker than usual and it sends a rush through Bea.

“No, that’d be you.” Allie comments, her voice lower than usual. Her breathing ragged. “God, I love your eyes on me, Bea. It makes me feel so turned on.”

“You’re just gorgeous.” says Bea with conviction. And it suddenly feels easy and natural to reach out and cup Allie’s breast in her hand. Immediately, Allie shivers and groans loudly, and Bea chases the sound with her fingers.

She cups both Allie’s breasts in her hands; feeling the weight of them; touching both the irresistible softness and the stunning contrast of the pebbled rosebud nipples. She never imagined just touching Allie’s breasts would turn her on this much. And then there’s the sounds Allie is making. The way she looks when Bea touches her.

“I dreamed about this” Allie gasps out. “You, touching me. I liked you so much and it was a fucking sexy dream. But the real you with my tits in her hands is so much sexier.”

Her words do something to Bea, and she grabs at Allie’s arms, pulling the younger blonde against her so her legs rest either side of Bea’s waist, her bare breasts dangling temptingly at Bea’s eye line. Bea stares at them, entranced, wondering what else Allie has dreamed about. If she’ll tell her if she asks.

Later. She thinks, staring at Allie’s swaying breasts. Later.

Bea leans over and kisses down Allie’s elegant neck, her soft collarbone, all the while stroking at the soft sides of Allie’s breasts. She listens with pleasure to the pitchy, breathy sounds Allie manages between her rapid breaths. She loves way Allie’s legs buck desperately against her middle. That she isn't the only one this is seriously turning on.

Feeling powerful, she presses kisses around Allie’s beautiful left breast, listening as Allie’s rapid breathing turns to beautiful, breathy sighs. When she sucks the delicate bud of Allie’s breast into her mouth she feel Allie’s whole body tremble; and the longing sound that Allie lets out makes her feel both powerful and tender.

She alternates between lips and fingers, listening carefully to the sounds Allie makes. The faint thump between her legs intensifies suddenly, and she finds she’s leaning into Allie’s leg to relieve some if the pressure.

“Bea, my love,” says Allie, her breathing labored. “Stop for a second, talk to me,”

Theirs a light popping noise when Bea detaches, and she feels a certain satisfaction at the way Allie’s eyes flutter at the loss of sensation.

Allie cups Bea’s head in hers. “Bea, just for the record you’re officially my top ten sexiest moments ever. Have you really never done that?”

Bea shrugs. “I just did what I wanted to do.” she says, her eyes going back to Allie’s breasts. “God, you’re just gorgeous. It was such a rush; it was... I didn't know it’d be so hot for me. Why did you stop me?”

Allie climbs fully into Bea’s lap, pressing every inch of her upper body against Bea so her bare breasts meet Bea’s clothed ones. “I felt you were doing all the work. And you’re new to this. You’re supposed to be the pillow princess.”

“Pillow princess?” asks Bea, but she’s already half-forgotten the question because Allie is pressed against her. Bea’s clothing the only barrier between them.

Allie presses herself against Bea more fully, wrapping her arms around Bea’s neck and kissing her senseless. And Bea feels the thumping warmth in her core intensify. She moans without really knowing what she wants.

“I want” says Allie, her tongue suckling Bea’s neck, “To make this all about you for a bit, beautiful.” she leans back a bit and looks into Bea’s eyes. “We’ll only do what you want. And I’ll stop anytime you want me to. But can I. Please?”


	11. I need your grace (to find my own)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, something happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you an endless amount for your beautiful, magical, wonderful comments. This chapter presented me with exceptional challenges and I feel like it's your words more than anything that finally got the damn thing written.
> 
> Title is a re-ordering of some lyrics from the song Chasing Cars. The full line is "I need your grace to remind me to find my own." But I cut the middle bit because it didn't work as a title.
> 
> Please, please let me know what you think. I'm a total novice at scenes such as this.

Bea’s brain can’t focus on Allie as she talks, can’t retain anything except the fact of the feelings Allie gives her; the pulsing warmth in her lower belly. And the fact that their bodies are no longer cleaved together.

There's a warm, half-naked Allie on the edge of her her lap. An Allie who was pressed luxuriously against her only seconds ago, an Allie who is still gorgeous and naked and, oh, that little thing – not wearing a shirt! But Allie is distancing herself now, leaning back to look into Bea's eyes. Bea knows what Allie's saying must be important so she tries to pay attention, she really does try.

But she's more than than a little distracted and Allie’s lips are beautiful, so the words waft by her like smoke. And then Allie sucks at her neck and Bea's trail of thought is just Allie, Allie, Allie.

"You're going to have to -" she begins, stopping to huff out a sigh when Allie's nibbling kisses get lower on her neck. "Oh Christ!" She says, moaning and pulling Allie closer to her. "Oh my god, Allie. Tell me again when you're not on my lap I can't think. I just want..." But aware of Allie’s eyes on her she bites her lip and stays silent. She knows she’s as a red as a tomato.

Allie slides off Bea’s lap, taking the older red-head's hand in hers and Bea wonders if it’s a loss for her as well. She’s shocked and a little embarrassed by her own neediness for this new thing between them. She desperately wants to just grab Allie again. Pull her back against her. But she knows this must be important.

She means to look at Allie. But the blonde is still half naked, and she can't help but stare as Allie begins speaking.

"If you want to talk, cover up. It's to distracting." She finally says, aware she sounds grumpy.

Allie pulls a sheet over herself, and when Bea finally looks up at her again she’s smiling widely. She leans over to kiss Bea lightly, teasingly. When she draws away she's smiling, but archly. "I'm not in the least bit sorry for that." She says smugly. "I'm still a bit too delighted you like me too."

Bea laughs, but it's a strangled sound. "What did you want to say, Allie." She asks, a little too wired to see the funny side.

"I was just asking if it's okay if I make this all about you for a while. And you tell me if you want me to stop? Okay?"

"Yeah." Says Bea shortly. Because she just wants this over so they can go back to kissing. But she’s too strung out and embarrassed to know how to ask for what she wants.

Allie looks at her more closely. "Are you okay, beautiful?" She finally says, looking concerned.

Bea huffs out an impatient sigh, wishing Allie would just resume the kissing. "Yeah. Just one second you were in my lap and I felt... well, all hot. And then you got off.” Allie giggles at her phrasing and Bea flushes anew. “Oh god, not in that way,” She says

Allie laughs again, her eyes flicking to Bea’s lips. "All jokes aside, If you want, It could be in that way." She says. Bea tries not to respond, but she kind of half-groans. When their eyes meet, Allie looks apologetic. 

“Sorry for stopping, Queen Bea. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.” Then she’s shuffling forward, letting the sheet waft from her body and climbing back onto Bea's lap in one fluid motion. She presses her naked chest against Bea and Bea grunts softly at the feel of them, together. Allie’s tongue is hot against her earlobe, her voice low and tantalising.

“You telling me that, beautiful? Knowing that I’m turning you on? You're making me," she pauses, leaning back so Bea can see her face, watch her tongue dart out to moisten her ample lips "all hot." She says, the words like syrup.

Bea stares at her, feeling flushed all over and involuntarily clenching her thighs together below where Allie sits on her knee, with a leg either side of her hips. She pulls Allie's head towards her own and then they're kissing like Bea has never kissed anyone, heated and passionate. Bea’s hands find Allie’s back, her hands running endlessly over the naked skin, sliding downward to cup Allie’s backside and luxuriating in her surprised moan.

At Bea’s touch, Allie seems to get braver, her hands fanning out from where they sit at Bea's sides to stroke at her stomach through her clothing. Bea's surprised at how much she craves Allie's touch. How much she wants more of it. She leans into the flexing, stroking fingers as they gently trace the lines of her ribcage. Bea's breath hitches suddenly, and she can can feel herself trembling at the contact. The warmth of Allie's hands stirring her up inside.

Allie must too. Because she removes her hands. "Sorry beautiful. I understand; it's too soon for that."

But It isn't. and she's feeling more than a little revved up by Allie's hands. So without thinking she takes Allie's hands, kissing each one in turn before returning them to her ribcage.

"It's not to soon, Allie. I was just, you know.... feeling..." she tries to look at Allie, but her bravery is gone. And she remembers that she knows nothing about this. Knows nothing about sex with a women. She blushes hopelessly.

Allie continues to stroke at Bea's sides but she also reaches out and kisses Bea's red, sweaty cheeks, her chin, each of the lowered eyes.  
"Bea, you were turned on?" She says. "I'm sorry. I need to get better at reading that. I just-" she leans over and kisses her gently on the mouth. "I just don't want to hurt you." She says. "You're... hard to read sometimes. But I'm glad I'm getting you hot. That's all I want to do."

Bea nods shyly, feeling something spike inside her at even the word hot falling from Allie's lips. "I pretty much am every time we kiss." She admits. "And when we're like this" she gestures to the way Allie straddles her, "then it's hard to concentrate."

Her hands come to squeeze gently at Allie's breasts. "Especially with these here." She says, delighting in Allie’s surprised exhale. She tongues one of Allie’s nipples, taking the a delicate bud between her lips and listening to Allie moan beautifully loudly. It's exhilarating to be in this with Allie. To feel so much and hear Allie feeling it too.

Suddenly Allie is all over Bea. She kisses Bea deeply, licking at her tongue and lips before pressing sucking kisses to her neck. She leaves a trail of hot tingles on her wake and Bea can hear herself groan. She feels Allie pressing her breasts against Bea insistently. And all Bea can do is press back, placing her hands in strategic points on Allie's lower and upper back to push their sweat-slick bodies ever closer together. 

She doesn't realise she's been coaxed into lying down until her head hits the pillow. Allie slides a leg between hers once they're both lying down. Allie takes Bea's ear in her mouth. sucking and nibbling at it. "Oh god." Bea husks instinctively moving her pelvis against Allie's leg. 

Allie's lips travel to Bea's neck, blowing her hot breath over it, placing nibbling kisses and talking breathlessly. “Bea, you’re so sexy,” she says. “God, and I love the noises you make.” she continues as she licks at Bea’s collarbone. Bea feels almost lost in the moment, consumed with the breaths, the body contact, the heat and sweat and life between them. Again, she strokes her hands over Allie's beautiful rounded backside before squeezing it in her hands. She hears a started gasp, and feels a pride at the way Allie's breathing has sped up. She chuckles raspily.“ I Love the way that always gets to you.” she confesses to Allie. “And I kind of love touching you there.”

Allie shakes her head at Bea. “God, you don’t know how much you turn me on.” she says and then drawing in breath with some effort she asks, sounding a little strained, “Can I touch your gorgeous boobs, Bea? I can make you feel so good."

"Yeah." Bea husks out, her voice lower than usual. She wants to say more, but finds she cannot.

She doesn't know what to expect, but she wants this closeness with Allie. Wants every closeness with her. She wonders if it'll feel overwhelming. If it'll scare her. She has distant memories of Harry pawing at her breasts, and it hurting more than other things he'd done to her. But this is Allie. Kind, beautiful, sexy Allie.

Allie shifts over to one side of Bea so she's facing her from one side and when Allie's hands first touch her (on top of her long sleeved shirt) it's a light tracing of the curves of each of her breasts. Spikes of heat rush in, and then Allie's fingers come a little closer, a little heavier and Bea finds she's shaking with it. "Oh my god, more." says Bea. And she feels both surprised and satisfied when Allie's hand cups her breast, squeezing it lightly. Bea gasps and says "please." Embarrassingly loudly in a room that is silent but for their rapid breaths. 

Allie's hot breath in her ear is a rush, though her words send a trickle of nerves through Bea. "Can I take off your shirt, my love?" Bea nods, her nerves lessened a little by Allie's affectionate words. "Yeah. Just... remember you like me." Allie looks down at Bea, her face a picture of affection. She strokes Bea's hair and face.  
"More than like you."she says fervently, her blue eyes darker but just as beautiful as ever. Then she stops what she's doing and slides her body fully over Bea's kissing her until her mind is heavy with want. When they part they're both breathing heavily. "I absolutely adore you, Bea Smith" She says. And Bea flushes, her doubt forgotten.

Allie moves, so she's sitting, straddling Bea's legs and hips in a way that makes Bea's eyes cross a little. And then her fingers feather underneath the bottom of Bea's shirt, painting soft lines on Bea's stomach. Bea can't help but gasp, pressing her pelvis against Allie's. 

In response Allie rucks up Bea's shirt a little, running teasing fingers up her ribcage, trailing heat in her wake. "Beautiful," she says, as her fingers track along Bea's skin. Stopping to gently stroke at scars that are scattered across her skin. She stops at Bea's stomach where an especially large scar zigzags in brilliant white across her skin. She doesn't ask questions, but her touch feels nothing but reverent.

By the time Allie has reached Bea's breasts, all Bea's fear has run away. Instead her hips buck insistently against Allie's, craving more friction. And then Allie peels back Bea's shirt and strokes delicately around Bea's painfully hard nipples.

"Allie!" Says Bea. "Allie sweetheart, please." It is all she can get out, but somehow Allie seems to know what she needs. Still sitting astride her, she leans forward a little, beginning finally to respond to Bea's thrusting hips, pressing hers back against her in kind.

And then she grasps Bea's breasts in each hand and kneads them firmly, pressing at her nipples with just enough pressure to make Bea moan wordlessly.

Bea is in heaven, her head hazy with want, her body edging toward a cliff she'd never imagined scaling. Bravery awash within her, she reaches both hands to grasp at Allie's hips, her fingers lingering at the elastic around her panama bottoms. "Can I take these off?" She husks.

Allie's stops what she's doing and licks her lips and Bea misses kissing them terribly, just for a second. "'You better." She says saucily.

But it takes a while. Because when she untangles her hips from around Bea's legs they both utter sounds of loss. They end up standing next to the bed as Bea pulls the pyjama pants down Allie's legs, stopping when she can't resist doing so to stroke at Allie’s long, smooth legs. It's impossible not to notice her lack of underwear, but she doesn't know what to do except stare, so she just pulls Allie against her and kisses her, summoning whatever bravery this experience has given her to utter the next two words.

"Mine too?" She says. Allie doesn't respond, kneeling in front of Bea to pull her pyjama bottoms down her legs, leaving her in black cotton underwear. She presses a kiss to Bea's belly-button, and to the waistband of her underwear before hugging Bea against her, her hands coming out to caress Bea’s backside in a manner that is wholeheartedly distracting. Bea can hear herself groaning at the sensation. At all the sensations Allie is eliciting in her. “Allie, you’re like a dream come true.” she utters. 

Allie pulls back from Bea, her face a picture of affection. "You mean so much." She says, pressing a kiss to Bea's lips. "And this means so much.” she continues, gesturing between the two of them. "I don't care what happens. I don't care if nothing does. But being here with you is the loveliest thing." She says. Bea blinks at her, tears pool either side of her eyes at Allie's words.

"Allie, you always know what to say." Bea says fondly.

Allie smiles. Her own eyes suspiciously shiny. “C’mere. Get into bed with me. “ she says. Once back in bed they surge toward one another, lying tangled together, their bodies pressed against each other

Allie's plump lips lips come out to circle Bea's nipple and Bea wonders how this could possibly get better. How anything could defeat that absolute peak in her pleasure. She feels Allie's other hand stroking at her hip bone. Tracing the line of her underwear. And stroking gently on top of them. She twitches under Allie’s hands.

She knows what Allie is going to say, and she finds herself anxious to get it over with. Anxious to be skin on skin with her beautiful girlfriend. 

Allie says “Bea can I...-” but before Allie can finish her sentence, Bea puts a finger over her lips and nods.

"Take them off." she says.

They're gone almost as soon as Bea finishes saying the words. And then Allie is kissing Bea again, hands stroking and pinching her sensitive breasts. She stops at a particularly breathless moment and just smiles at Bea. Puffing and panting and smiling, always smiling.

"You're gorgeous, Bea." She says, her cheeks flushed, her skin golden, her eyes dark blue and so lovely. And somehow she’s still smiling. "You're absolutely stunning."

Bea smiles back at her, her brown eyes dark with need. "You're blinding." She says in response, reaching out to run a finger over Allie’s smiling lip. "Oh Allie, I love that you smile so much.” 

They fall into kissing again, bodies melting together until they're both groaning into each other's mouths. and Bea doesn't really know what she wants except more.

Allie pulls away first. "Can I feel you?" She husks, her stroking Bea’s hipbone, her thigh, anywhere except where Bea wants her,. "Can I feel how wet you are?"

"Oh my god." Says Bea. "Yes. But don't..." she stops, feeling awkward.

Allie kisses her gently. "Don't what?" She asks.”Anything’s fine, beautiful. Tell me.”

"Don't... go inside me." Says Bea. "Sorry. I... some things I don't like."

All kisses her long and slow. "So fine, babe." She says. "I only want what you want.”

Bea nods, her face aflame. She, feels a bit ignorant. “Can it still be good that way? Am I...I don’t know. Being prudish or something?”

Allie shakes her head. “No, my love. Some people like penetration and some don’t.”

Bea nods, unable to look away from Allie’s unusually dark gaze, her mind drawing unconscious, new associations around the word penetration just from hearing Allie’s gorgeous voice say the word. “w-what do you like?” she stammers out, curious, and undeniably aroused by the way Allie makes sex sound. Like it’s something she can choose.

Allie kisses Bea’s neck, her shoulders, tongues her nipple until she’s groaning. “I like you.” she says simply. “Your hands, where ever they want to be. I like that.” Bea leans over, grasping Allie’s backside and pressing their thighs together before cupping Allie’s face in her hands. “You’re amazing.” she says, her voice hoarse with desire.

Allie stares at her, blinking wordlessly, her tongue coming out to lick her lips. “God, you’re sexy.” she finally says. Reaching out a hand, she strokes a finger down between Bea’s breasts, pausing to tease the lines of her ribs and the softness of her stomach and watching riveted as Bea’s stomach jumps beneath her touch.

She cups her hand over Bea’s pubic hair, pressing gently and Bea’s hips flex. Gently, she slides a finger over Bea's wetness. " and Bea is surprised to hear her gasp, the liquid warmth in her voice. “Oh Bea. You feel so good, so wet." She utters. But it's almost lost in Bea's loud moan.

“Not as good as you feel.” says Bea. “God I-” but she can’t finish the sentence. Allie’s fingers are stroking broadly across her clit, and she’s something beyond turned on. Her hips twitch against Allie’s hand, and she can hear her breathing becoming louder and louder. 

“You know how much I wanted to do this?” says Allie, her hand now rhythmically moving against Bea’s clit, every word turning Bea on more, making more fizzing heat inside her, drawing her toward this strange, wonderful feeling that’s building within her. “God Bea, every morning I’d be so wet from just sharing a bed with you. You don’t know how I’ve wanted you.” 

Bea can feel Allie’s fingers speed up as they stroke earnestly at her clit, sending heat spiralling in all directions. She can feel how slick she is, now very wet. She starts to wonder if it’s too much, if it’s normal to be getting this wet and then Allie utters “Bea, you’re so wet for me.” in a voice that’s husky with desire and delight. Bea stops worrying.

She knows she’s writhing against Allie’s hand, and she feels high, dizzy, and more lit up by Allie’s touch than she ever knew she could be. Her clit feels sensitive to Allie’s every stroke, her breathing laboured. She hitches in a shocked breath when Allie’s head moves down to press soft kisses against her breasts, sighing and groaning because it feels tantalisingly good, but also not nearly enough. 

Then Allie sucks Bea’s pebbled nipple into her mouth. The pulsing heat that thrums through her coupled with the way Allie rhythmically strokes circles around Bea’s clit feels like it’s overtaking everything. Heat surges, her body thrums and shudders uncontrollably and colours seem to blur into light. Bea reaches for Allie’s face, and blue eyes meet brown as she shatters beneath Allie’s hands. “Allie” she groans hopelessly into her darker blue eyes, her full lips, her beautiful face. 

When the shaking and shuddering subsides, she finds that Allie is hugging her tightly, smoothing her hair off her sweating forehead and pressing kisses all over her face. She hugs her back tightly, feeling totally lost, and totally found at the same time.

“You’re beautiful.” says Allie, between kisses. “You’re so lovely, Bea.” And Bea feels a strange feeling coarse through her. An openness. She wraps Allie in her arms, not caring that she’s naked and covered in scars, just wanting to let the words pour out.

“It’s so nice.” she muses. “To want you, and want you so, so badly. And then to get to be with you and for it to be...like that was. Which I still can’t describe because I don’t have the right words.” She leans over and kisses Allie. “I mean, I dreamed about this when we first met, and now I get to do it.” She leans over and kisses Allie again before pulling back to look into her eyes. And that was just....” she smiles widely. 

Allie goes to speak, but Bea has more to say, for once. “You see things differently to anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t think anyone ever thought to talk to me about Debbie’s life. About the sweet, funny, kind person she was. But you, sweetheart, you did.” She reaches out a hand to stroke over Allie’s flushed cheek.

“I don’t know if you know how much you mean to me.” She finally says.

Allie smiles at Bea, her eyes wet. “Bea,” she says urgently, her eyes wide and her beautiful body visibly shaking in Bea’s arms. She leans back into Bea and kisses her the way that only Allie can, with abundant affection.

But Allie is trembling visibly, her eyes pie-plate wide. Bea finds herself stroking her girlfriend's cheeks, her hair, trying to offer her enough comfort to spit out whatever it is she has to say.

She presses a kiss to Allie’s cheek. Sweetheart, whatever it is, it’s okay. It’s you and me, so it’s okay.”

Allie smiles tremulously.

“Bea?” she says. “Bea, I love you.”


	12. But there's an alchemy in time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, so Allie just said something sort-of important (ahem: understatement). So Bea responds.
> 
> Everything else is a reaction to that response, a byproduct of that, I think.
> 
> We see a bit of Allie's backstory too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever. I mean, really. Especially as none of the characters were acting like themselves. Got there in the end, thanks to you!
> 
> Thank you an endless, excessive, joyful amount for your lovely comments. They are the blood that fills the veins of this story... or a metaphor that sounds less gross when I articulate it.
> 
> Seriously though, you all rock like rocking things. Thank you so much for your delightfully kind words and kudos.

Allie woke up too early, her stomach growling. She couldn't remember mummy getting them dinner yesterday. Or lunch. She was hungry (she was always hungry). But the light still wouldn't turn on and the narrow corridor to the kitchen was dark and gloomy. Feeling along the walls, Allie managed to find her way into the kitchen to find some food. But there wasn't any in the cupboards she could reach.There never was, but she always, always hoped. 

She went to mummy's room to ask her. But mum's boyfriend Stu was there. He stood up on the mattress, towering over Allie as he ordered her to fuck off. Mummy sat quietly.

Allie's empty stomach growled like a beast at him, but she could not. She sat in the corridor instead, and listened to the edges of Stu's voice to see if she needed to go. Hide.

"How long will you be away?" Mummy's voice was different. Pleading.

Allie couldn't help but smile. If Stu went he'd have mum to herself. Be safe from Stu's moods.

"Dunno." He said. Allie could hear the I-don't-care in this voice. Mummy could not. Mummy could never.

"Stu, don't leave me. I love you." 

He slammed a hand against the floor and Allie retreated back a little, just in case. But when he spoke he sounded bored 

"That's on you. Your problem. You and that smelly brat.”

Allie sniffed herself. Realised she did smell. And felt small and very, very alone. She wondered if she could take baths by herself. If she’d get in trouble for that, too.

"Maybe she could go away for a few days. Give us some time?" 

Allie twitched, wiping her eyes. Where would she go? Auntie wouldn't take her after last time. Maybe Daddy if he was in the country again. Wanted her again. She liked Daddy's big bright house and all the food. The toys. But she didn't much like the ice in his eyes when he looked at her. 

"I don't care. I still gotta go."

From there it was fast. When the door slammed Allie's mummy started to cry. Allie crawled out from behind the door where she'd hidden when he left the room and ran straight to her mum. Mummy sat on the mattress, her tear-streaked cheeks black with the funny inky stuff she wore to make her eyes look pretty. Allie cuddled into her on the mattress.

"Love you, Mummy." She said, knowing the words would help her to feel better. They always did when the men left. And she knew to the depths of her growling stomach that her Mummy loved her back.

But Mummy pushed her aside and shrank backwards. "I hate you, you brat. I'm stuck here in this shithole 'cause of you. No money. A shitty rich ex who won't fucking pay me any money to keep us. Just fuck off Allie."

Allie tripped over one of mummy's boots in her haste to leave the room, her eyes blurry with tears.

Her stomach still growled angrily but she hardly heard it, consumed with the pain in her heart.

\------

"I love you, Bea."

The sound of their breathing, her and Bea's breathing, is loud. It cuts into Allie like an unpleasant noise and hurts more with each passing moment. Her words were a risk that she couldn't contain. But what now? Will Bea be scared, be disgusted? 

She knows she should say something to soften her words, to let a bit of the strength of them go. But she finds herself instead staring at her hands. The way they are near to Bea's but not touching.

The small space between them feels suddenly endless in the quiet room.

Then Bea shifts across the bed, pulling Allie into her in the warmest, closest hug. Allie pulls back a little, nervously meets Bea's warm, dark eyes. She needs for Bea not to leave her.

"You don't need to say anything or worry I want anything, Bea. I just... wanted to tell you you're loved."

She wants to say more. To soothe Bea. But she feels stuck, suddenly. Because she feels so much for Bea; an outpouring if love that is unlike anything she's ever felt for anyone. 

But love is just this brutal thing that gets done to her, and it always hurts in the end. But it's wonderful too 

As a child she loved her mother; saw her struggle and crash and burn. But loved her even as she spat venom and resentment at her only child. As a teenager she loved her dad. Tried to please him by working hard and shutting the hell up. 

And being straight. Though she failed at that. So he removed his love and gave her no more thought. Of course he did.

And then there was Marie, who really wasn't so different. So ready to say she loved Allie, to take Allie's love and hold it up high. But a bargaining chip. Collateral damage to get what she wanted from Allie.

Her head hurting, Allie leant over, burying her head in Bea's neck and letting the older women's warm skin and delicious smell shield her.

Bea's hands come up to feather through Allie's hair and they're so gentle that she wants to weep. She thinks she'd like to lie against Bea, forever, lulled by the feel of her favourite person's hands stroking softly through her hair. By the thud of Bea's heart.

"I love you too, Allie." Bea says softly.  Her hands continue to stroke Allie's hair like it's not the biggest news ever. Like it's just something true. It's said so unobtrusively that Allie doesn't really notice it at first.

About eleven seconds later Allie jerks upward, almost bumping her head on Bea's chin. Completely flabbergasted

For some reason she'd never expected Bea to say she loved her back. Bea didn't do things for power, or to get what she wanted. She was too kind, too honest. So it must be real. But it couldn't be.

It floored her. Never in a million years had she expected to be loved back. Her hands stroke at Bea's hair, her cheeks, the soft skin of her arms.

"You love me?" She says wonderingly.

Bea nods shyly, her cheeks red. "You love me too." She counters, suddenly very young in her self-consciousness.

Allie nods, agape. "Of course I love you. That's not at all surprising to me. I saw your big dark eyes in the fading light and that was it. It was very fast. But, I mean, have you met you, Bea Smith. You're irresistible?"

Bea laughs, her face red but delighted. She pulls Allie into a kiss, pulling back only to admire her beautiful face. She wants to kiss Allie again, but there's something vulnerable in her expression she can't get past. So instead she smothers Allie's face with smacking kisses and listens to her surprised, delighted giggles.

"Have you seen you, Allie Novak?" She counters, once she's pulled back. "You're warm and joyful, but in a way that is so outward that I feel just... lit up around you. By the brilliant way you see the world. How funny you are. How smart. And then," she strokes a hand down Allie's face and kisses the apples of her cheeks. "There's the fact that you're just... beautiful."

Allie's face is a picture; as if she's never been given a compliment before. And It loosens Bea's tongue in an way even she doesn't see coming. She wants very badly for Allie to see what she sees. To know she’s helped Bea immeasurably.

"When we first met, I kept touching you. Do you remember? I'd reach for your hand and you''d point it out and I'd be horrified because I didn't usually even notice I was doing it. That's never been my thing. But I was so drawn to you it somehow became the thing I was either doing or wanting to do."

Allie's answering smile is blinding. "I remember. Eventually I learnt to shut up about it because there was far more Bea-touching that way. And god, did I want to touch you. The only thing I wanted as much was for you to touch me. But I really wanted it not to scare you.

"It never did. I just loved it. I remember I’d talk with you, and I’d be terrified that my awkwardness would stop you talking to me. Because it was exactly where I wanted to be and I craved being around you. You made me feel – make me feel – such lightness " Bea confesses. 

Allie smiles, her eyes suspiciously shiny. She leans over to kiss Bea gently, still smiling. 

"I love how you still manage to smile when we're kissing." Says Bea after they part. "I remember the first time you smiled at me. You'd just woken up in hospital. You were days off drugs, bruised and pale as hell, but when you smiled it was all awash." She coaxes Allie to lie down next to her, so their eyes meet and then keeps talking. 

"I don't know when I decided I loved you. It was more like I never didn't. And I hoped you did too. You called me 'my love,' sometimes. Gave me hope."

"I did?" Allie looks baffled. "I didn't mean to. Up until I panic blurted it I thought I had been so careful."

Bea smiles, reaching out to cup Allie's soft cheek. "It was usually when we were, you know, midway through..." she shrugs, blushing through a half-smile. "stuff."

Allie grins, her eyes tracking down to Bea's lips before coming to rest on the sheet which Bea had covered herself with. She reaches out, stroking at the roundness of Bea's breast over the thin sheet, watching Bea's erratic exhale somewhat smugly. "That explains it. You distracted me with your gorgeous, sexy body."

Feeling, in that moment, sexy, Bea pulls the sheet off herself and climbs on top of Allie, pinning her to the bed, and kissing her senseless. When they finally part they're both panting and Allie's legs have come up to circle the Bea's hips. "You're so sexy, Bea." She says. "I love the way you touch me. Love it. Love you."

"You know," Bea husks, as she moves from Allie's lips to her neck. "I never wanted to do anything to any women before. But-" she leans down lower to fondle Allie's breasts. "I just want to touch you all over, my love."

Allie stares dumbly at the women above her, her mind a luxurious haze of turned on and completely in love with Bea's words, her hard-won confidence. Everything about her. "You can touch me wherever you want, my love." She finally says. 

Bea does. But unhurriedly, huskily telling Allie things she likes about her. That her breasts are beautiful, that she loves the way her hips dance upward, that Allie's fingers distract her, that her eyes are the most beautiful she ever will see. 

Bea knows what she's building up to right now, knows what she wants to do and doesn't really know how to do it, but she also feels a measure of certainty that Allie will love this regardless.

Because Allie loves her.

"You don't have to." Allie says, even as her whole pelvis thrusts upwards when Bea reaches out to stroke a path downward from one of her hip bones. "My love, you really don't have to."

Bea presses herself against Allie, kissing her again and again, running her hands down Allie's sides, and kneading at her breasts before taking them into her mouth. "Trust me, I want to." She says, her voice even huskier usual.  "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing but I love the sounds you keep making. The way your breathing changes. I want to do this with you. Just... talk to me. Tell me what you want, Allie."

"You." Allie says breathlessly. Bea moves her hand down to sit atop Allie’s pelvic bone and she groans, her hips rising against Bea's hand to try and get some much needed pressure. "I'm so riled up by just being here with you that it won't take much. Just touch me, please." She says, her voice is low and rough and it does things to Bea. Makes her feel even braver.

She finds the same place on Allie where she so loved being touched. She swipes a finger across it gently, feeling the wetness on her hands, the warmth of Allie's core. Allie gasps, her blue eyes dark, a red flush covering her cheeks. Entranced, Bea does it again and again, avidly watching the concertina of reactions Allie has to it; the way her eyes fall shut, the sheen of sweat that makes her face and body glow, and the faint trembling. 

Feeling the reflexive push against her hand with every press of her finger. She finds a rhythm quickly, and focuses her attention on the little bundle of nerves that seems to make Allie the loudest, the most reactive. It feels difficult only because Bea doesn't know what to stare at: everything about this is beautiful. It's the loveliest, sexiest thing she's ever seen happen to another person. 

"More." Says Allie, the last part of her word half-lost in a moan as Bea anticipates her, bending to take a beaded nipple firmly between her lips. She releases it with a pop, and Allie groans a little, as if it's a loss. It escalates her, though, her hips moving faster against Bea's hand, her kisses to the parts of Bea she can reach wet and erratic. She's gloriously loud.

Bea leans into her neck, sucking at her earlobe before whispering "Want me inside you?"

Allie’s answer is more of an exhale than a yes, but it's enough to guide her in this new, wonderful thing. Wanting to keep the rhythmic pressure on Allie's clit, she uses her other hand to slide a finger inside her, feeling the warmth, the glorious squeeze of it, before sliding it back out.. Allie keens softly, her eyes falling shut every time Bea’s finger moves within her. "More." Says Allie. Bea adds another finger. Feels the way Allie shakes in her arms, the way her core pulses against Bea's hand and somehow knows she’s close. 

She presses sucking kisses to the parts of Allie she can reach, and feels the increasingly erratic nature of Allie’s movements against her hands. “Love you, Allie.” Bea rasps out, watching with fascination as Allie’s eyes fly open, Brown eyes meet blue briefly, and then Allie’s eyes fall shut involuntarily and her whole body is lost to trembles. She lets out a shuddering, breathless moan, and Bea feels gorgeous wetness coat her hand. Allie gasps noisily, pulling Bea against her with her arms and legs as her body-wide trembling begins to subside.

"I can't believe I did that to you." Husks Bea, because cuddled into Allie like this, after that, she feels like she can say anything, do anything. And she feels special too, for being the person who could draw that out of Allie.

"I can't either." Allie gasps out, still drawing in breath like it's a rare commodity. "I really can't believe how good you are at that. Have you really never done that with a women before?"

"Never even thought about it until you." Whispers Bea. "It was wonderful though. Gorgeous. I loved seeing you like that. Being the person that took you there."

Allie pulls back far enough that they can see each other's faces, their legs still tangled together, "Me too," Allie says. But where she could tease, she's utterly earnest. Her face is completely open.

"Love you." Bea says fervently. "Love you so much."

Allie pulls Bea against her, pressing kisses to her shoulder. "Love you too." She says.

Bea cuddles into Allie, tangling their bodies together, suddenly terribly tired, but unable to stop smiling.

The Allie effect.


	13. The precious stuff of who we are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking. Silliness. Love. Anxiety. Oh, and a phonecall.

Bea wakes, immediately hyper-aware of Allie’s warm body against hers.They’re lying in bed, and it all seems too good to be true. Just them and it’s - warmth and love and other things that don’t seem like her life.

“Allie?” says Bea, aware that her voice is soft and lower than usual. A lover’s rasp.

“Hmmm?” Allie mumbles, warm and sleepy, hardly awake.

“Love you.”

“Loved you first.” says Allie automatically, like it’s as natural as a nod, a shiver, an outstretched arm.

And somehow, though she’s barely awake, Allie’s words, slurred honestly from half-dreams, make the air feel warm and safe. Bea cuddles into her, pressing kisses into the soft, vanilla-scented blonde hair. "You smell nice." she comments inanely.

Allie knuzzles into Bea's shoulder. "You smell...delicious." she mumbles. "What time is it?” she adds.

Bea reluctantly relinquishes Allie’s warmth and leans over to check the time on her phone.

“Early. Four-thirty am. And we don't need to go until eight today. We must have, uh, slept too much yesterday” she says, aware that she's glossing over the delicious truth of what yesterday was. She pulls Allie back into her, unable to stop herself smiling, and they lie together in a warmed muddle of limbs. 

Allie moves so her face is next to Bea’s, her blue eyes amused “Sleep?” she says, pressing a kiss to Bea’s neck. “That what we’re calling it, Bea? Because if that was sleep-” her finger strokes down Bea’s neck, laying tingling kisses in it’s wake, “I want way more.”

Bea blushes to the roots of her hair, her heart pounding. Her body feels very awake, suddenly. Alert to Allie. She burrows her head into the space between Allie’s shoulder and neck, feeling the way the blonde’s body shakes with suppressed laughter. And as she lies there inhaling the scent of Allie’s neck, she’s aware that she is smiling too.

“Love you.” Bea says. She means it in so many ways she’s never thought to mean it. Because she’s never felt safe when cuddled naked in bed with someone before. And she feels almost sick with hope that this relationship - Allie and her - is for ever. That it won’t be stopped, paused, affected by the fucked-up nature of her life so far. By the shadows, dead and alive, that she’s still sometimes haunted by. She hopes she’s right; hopes desperately that she’s not lying to herself. She knows it would break her heart if it all turned out to good to be true. 

Because her life, aside from brilliant, beautiful Debbie, has never been so filled with light as it is right now.

Allie, bless her, is already half-asleep again. But she still manages to murmur the the same words back.

Bea smiles affectionately at her sleeping girlfriend. Feeling something that feels like gratefulness, but wider, and deeper.

She wants to do something nice. To say thank you. But nothing comes to mind. There’s not much she’s good at except art, and it’s not like she can draw a polished picture of Allie in the next ten minutes. 

When Allie’s stomach growls softly, it’s almost a relief. They’d eaten at funny times yesterday because they'd been, well, busy. So food, even at this ridiculous hour of the morning, makes sense. And she loves watching Allie eat. Immediately, Bea’s mind is made up; she’ll make an early breakfast for them. She does her best to ignore the the distant knife-edge of Harry’s voice. The way it makes even something as innocuous cooking a meal seem more frightening than it should.

She must tense up. Because suddenly Allie is awake again, alert, and staring at her with worried blue eyes. Beautiful, blue eyes, She leans over, pressing a kiss to Bea’s surprised lips, and again warmth thrums through Bea.

“You okay, Bea?” With Allie’s eyes on her, the tingle of her lips still on Bea’s, it all seems doable, suddenly. Her worries feel ridiculous. Her heart full.

“I wanted to cook for you.” she explains. “But...when I cooked for Harry it didn't used to go well.”

Allie smiles, and her lips pressing warmly against Bea’s. “Queen Bea, I’ll eat crap on burnt toast if it’s from you.”

A laugh comes out of Bea, hoarse and slightly shocked. “I think even I can do better than that.” she says, but something inside her feels soothed, warmed. She presses herself against Allie, pressing kiss after kiss to her surprised, happy face.

“I’m glad I found you.” she says upon parting. And before Allie can do much more than grin broadly in response she swings herself off the bed, pulling on black skinny jeans and a grey jersey that smells like Allie. She hugs it against herself, smiling widely at Allie.

“Crap on toast, coming right up!” she says, bending down to drop a kiss to Allie’s soft, pink cheek before padding into the kitchen.

\-------

Allie stares delightedly at Bea’s departing figure, clothed in jeans and Allie’s jersey. The fact of her casual, unthinking kisses, of her wearing Allie’s clothes, is a strange, ever-building rush of joy. It’s more than she ever thought she’d get.

She really would eat crap on toast for Bea. She’d do anything for her.

She eventually hauls herself out of bed (no mean feat as she sheets smell deliciously of Bea) and throws on skinny jeans of her own, and one of Bea’s jumpers, a soft, black thing that smells delicious. She tiptoes into the kitchen to watch Bea cook, perching herself on a stool.

Bea doesn’t notice her at first, cracking eggs into a bowl and stirring them together, laying rashers of bacon alongside, and turning on the heat. There’s a gracefulness to her, a sureness to her steps, and a deftness to her movements in the kitchen. And Allie finds herself wondering if Bea had once liked to cook. Before her monster ex took that from her.

She clears her throat softly, and joy ratchets awake inside her when instead of jumping, Bea just turns around and smiles at her a little shyly. 

“You look really peaceful.”Allie says, “It’s nice.” 

Bea shrugs, her smile widening perceptibly. She moves the eggs and bacon aside and carefully turns the element off. And then she comes over to where Allie sits and spins her stool around so they’re facing one another. She winds her hands around Allie’s back, picking her up and kissing her in one, smooth movement. Allie wraps her legs around Bea’s middle instinctively, and for a second they just stare at each other. There’s a delicious heat curdling between them. And Allie’s head swarms with joy and the rush of their sudden contact. She inhales deeply, staring at Bea’s eyes before she leans in, kissing Bea with everything she has.

Bea turns around, leaning her own back against the wall, her hands coming down to clutch at Allie’s beautifully rounded backside. “Oh my god, Allie.” she husks. “You feel amazing. You smell amazing.”

And suddenly they’re rocking together, breathlessly exhaling into eachothers’ mouths. Allie’s lips find Bea’s neck, nibbling at her collarbone, her breaths becoming louder, her sighs turning to moans as Bea’s hands massage her backside. It’s hot and gorgeous and Allie thinks it couldn't get any more hot, more luxuriously wonderfully sexy when Bea’s lips find her earlobe, suckling gently. “I’m at home because you’re in my home, Allie.” she husks into Allie’s ear. “I love you. You’re gorgeous and sexy and I love you.”

Allie’s shuddering sigh turns quickly into a moan as Bea’s words register. They’re said with such intensity. Bea’s husky voice hot in her ear,as her gorgeous toned body writhes against Allie. It’s all too much, in the best possible way.

It’s almost six when they finally eat and Bea’s nerves return with a force. Sitting across from Allie makes Bea feel tightly wound because right now she really just wants to be curled into her. And the sound their forks make as they scrape against the china is setting her teeth on edge. 

The omelets are a little overcooked, the bacon a mite too crispy for Harry’s taste. And she waits in the plate-scraping silence for a rebuke that’s from another life. 

It’s all going to be okay. She knows that, watching Allie practically inhale her food is a tremendous comfort. She just wishes her body would catch on.

Allie speaks, without eye contact, somehow knowing what Bea needs. The words are slightly subdued by her half-full mouth. Her hand reaching out to squeeze Bea’s one softly.

“Love you for cooking for me. Sorry I’m quiet. Really hungry and s’delicious. Love you.”

Bea gets up and stumbles clumsily around the table to pull Allie tightly against her. 

“Love you more.” she says. Allie hurriedly swallows her mouthful before kissing Bea’s cheek and hugging her back just as tightly.

“Nah you don’t. God, Bea. You’re my dream girl. And now you’re my dream girl who feeds me delicious food then-” and strokes her hands down Bea’s face, her eyes soft- “Acts adorably clingy. Which is totally my thing with you usually, but I’ll let you borrow it.”

Bea laughs, her tension instantly released, her heart full.

\----------------

They’re on the way to work when Bea’s phone rings, and Allie, who had claimed to be wide awake only minutes ago, lies fast asleep in the seat next to Bea’s. Bea pulls out of the traffic to answer her phone.. She doesn’t answer it straight away, instead staring at the soft blonde hair which is curled about Allie’s face; the way her lips are pursed in sleep and her soft, pink cheeks.

The disembodied voice on the other end is familiar, and her heart drops instantly.

She was right. It’s all too good to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it took me forever to write this and all you got was this lousy chapter. I'm sorry. I hope you like it more than I did while I was writing it. I started calling it all kinds of interesting four letter unprintables.
> 
> Life has been...an act of extreme challenge at present. I'm churning out more, but it's at roughly the speedy of slow-drying paint trying to, you know, dry and such. So it'll be a while. Hoping to write more sometime soon.
> 
> Please let me know what you think. Your comments are cherished and got me this far.
> 
> Title is from Stephen Schwarz's Forgiveness Embrace.


	14. With tender eyes, my darling reprieve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea and Allie talk. About the phonecall. And some other stuff. Worry remains.

Allie doesn't know what awakens her; but when she does come to her neck is pressing at a painful angle against her seatbelt. She frowns reflexively and then catches sight of Bea's stricken face, her wet eyes and her white knuckles clenching at the steering wheel.

Allie is shocked into immediate awareness, her voice coming out higher than usual, an edge of panic present at the change in her girlfriend.

This morning, despite Debbie, despite everything, she was open, joyful. And now.... 

Allie reaches out slowly to stroke Bea's cheek. 

"Bea, my love, what is it?"

Immediately Bea's eyes fill anew and she leans across the seat, crushing Allie tightly against her.

Allie strokes her hands through her girlfriend's curly hair, and presses gentle kisses against her softly shaking shoulder and neck. In a sense it's a relief when Bea crumples into her, because at least she's providing some source of comfort. But she has no idea how to help. Or if she even can help.

An edge tickles somewhere inside her. A scratch un-itched, but she banishes it away, hugging Bea all the tighter against herself.

"Whatever it is." She says into Bea's ear. "Whatever it is, we'll beat it together."

She caresses the parts of Bea she can reach. The soft shell of her ear, the slight protrusion of a collarbone, the strong bones of her back.

They stay like that for a long time, clinging together awkwardly across seat belts and gear shifts. Bea's breath is still shaky when she pulls back to look into Allie's eyes.

"It's Harry."

"Harry called you?" Shock and something close to anger makes Allie blurt rather than listen. 

"Bea shakes her head, her hand coming automatically out to hold Allie's.

"My lawyer. Harry's not going to accept a plea deal. Which means my case is going to trial. And soon. There was a case cancelled. So it's in," she exhales loudly. "Two months" she says, and tries desperately for it not to feel like her own death sentence. For the doomed feeling not overwelm her.

Allie's breath hurtles out of her, her hands stroking the sides of Bea's face tenderly. " Shit, I'm so sorry." She says, feeling hopeless and wishing fervently she could do more than just apologise.

"I was so sure." Bea continues, "Hell, my lawyer seemed sure too and I'm not even sure that's an emotion lawyers feel."

"It's," she shrugs. Feeling the sting of more tears as they fall down her cheeks."it's a setback." She says finally. 

She knows it's more than that. And she feels doomed. Like her life will be beaten from her by having to relive the shame of what happened. That this might be too much.

"Shit." Says Allie, her hand stroking Bea's palm. "Does this mean?-" but she can't finish. Can't make Bea send the awful words out into the world.

"It...what he did to me. It's all going to court. I'll have name suppression. But..." she trails off.

The things she can't say are the worst things. And she feels doomed by it. By Harry. By the quicksand of her former life congregating far too close to her Allie. To her hard-won joy. 

She needs so much for this to be finished. But her past life clamps into her present. 

She still can't discuss it with her friends, not really. And discussing it with Allie is a new, vulnerable thing. A thing she never thought she'd share.

But she must. In a room full of people. 

Or else he's free. And she's nothing but an abused coward.

Not knowing what the say, Allie pulls Bea to her, kissing her firmly on the lips. "I'll do whatever I can." She says. "Anything to make it easier. You're so wonderful. You deserve so much more than him."

Selfish asshole. She thinks. And Bea let's out a shocked laugh. It rolls into the silence like relief, and suddenly they're both laughing. Cackling nearly. Holding each other as the laughs echo around them. When Allie stops laughing, Bea starts again. When Bea starts again, Allie can't help but laugh along. When their laughs finally subside, Bea leans in and kisses Allie sweetly.

"He is." She agrees. 

"Oh. Did I say that 'selfish asshole' thing aloud then?" Says Allie, grinning. Then she leans in and kisses Bea's smile again. Just because she can. And it's still amazing. 

Bea smiles. "It was good to hear, actually. It's true. And for some reason I forget that sometimes. She presses herself against Allie again, kissing her. Hard. "Love you." She murmurs, losing herself in the warmth of Allie's arms. Fighting fear with this amazing, consuming love she feels.

Allie kisses Bea back before pressing kisses to her cheeks, forehead and hair. "Love you more." She says. Bea shakes her head, smiling.

"No you don't, Allie." She says, pressing another kiss against the blonde's flushed cheek. 

"Do too!" Says Allie, and Bea, charmed by her soft certainty, presses a kiss to Allie's cheek, breathing in her gorgeous scent.

"I remember the first thing you ever said to me." Allie continues. "You were so beautiful and so unlike anyone I'd ever seen before. And instantly I loved you." She smiles. "And then you started talking." She says, smiling widely.

Bea cocks her head to one side, looking curious. "What did I say?

Allie grins, hugging Bea against her and sticking her tongue out.

"Total charmer. You took one look at my gorgeous self and said 'what the fuck?'

Bea laughs for too long. There's an urgent, hysterical edge to it that they both ignore. Because this golden moment is too nice to ruin.

"Love at first sight." Allie adds smoothly. "I mean, after that, I was ruined for all others."

Bea snorts. "Love at first swearword, more like." She says, but Allie can see the way Bea's suppressed smile pushes at the edges of her lips. 

"I was high as hell." Continues Allie. "I'm shocked I can remember any of it. But somehow, it's all there. I remember wondering if I could keep you. Trying to touch your cheek and wondering if I'd imagined you because you melted away. I said you were gorgeous and you looked almost mad." She winks at Bea "then I was toast, of course" "Your shocked, perplexed face was adorable!"

Bea smiles, remembering the strange, warm pulse it sent through her.

"I remember." She says, suddenly shy.

Allie cocks her head to one side.

"You just got all adorable and shy. What are you remembering, beautiful Bea?"

Bea smiles, the way she sometimes can't help smiling around Allie. "I just remember thinking you were unusually lovely. I mean obviously your face - "

"Obviously!" Allie interrupts jokingly. "Clearly you were overwhelmed by my stunning self."

Bea looks at Allie with her clear blue eyes and good, good heart and can't help but lean over and press a kiss to her lips before she continues. "I was, though. I mean, I still am. I used to lose my train of thought just thinking about you."

"I don't think I've ever thought that way about another person," she continues. "let alone a women. And as I got to know you-"

But then she flushes, her eyes veering away."later" she continues, staring at her hands "I remember thinking there was so much within you - your heart, your mind, your clever little jokes - that it was impossible to catalogue anything with just one look. I was-" she looks at Allie again, her cheeks fire-engine red. "I mean, I am dazzled. Still. By everything that is you."

Allie's cheeks pinken, and Bea is about to seize gloatingly on the rare moment of actually making Allie blush when something beautiful and vulnerable in Allie's eyes stops her. 

Seconds later, Allie's hands come up to cup Bea's cheeks in her hands. And it isn't until then that Bea realises she's crying.

"Want to know a secret? " says Allie, her voice thick with tears.

Bea smiles, reaching up to wipe away moisture from Allie's cheeks. "What?" She asks softly. 

Allie leans over, so her lips are next to Bea's ear, her warm breath and irresistible scent tickling Bea's senses anew. "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me. In my whole life." She says, finally. 

Their lips find each other naturally, and despite the horrible news, the shock of it all, they're both smiling when they part.

"Cam I borrow your phone?" Allie asks Bea. "Will you let me do something to take care of you, my love? So you don't have to say it to Franky?"

Bea loves Allie fiercely in that moment because she doesn't want to go to work, but doesn't know if she can bear a conversation about it all. And somehow, Allie knows that. She hands her cell over wordlessly, watching as Allie presses speed dial 3 and puts it on speaker so Bea can talk too, if she wants. 

"Hi Franky. We're not coming in today."

They're both anticipating that Franky will say something gross. 

She does not disappoint. Her naturally loud voice perfectly audible in the confined space of the car.

"You not sick of lady-fucking yet, Allie? My girl must have some stamina."

"Not denying that." Says Allie, and watches with delight as Bea turns red. "But that's not the reason. Bea's just had some news-some more news. About Harry's court date. He's not pleading out, She needs a day. We need a day,"

"Shit. Take it. Spend some time. We'll cover your clients, rebook the Bea-hards."

"Put her on speaker - so I can tell her thanks.” Says Bea, and Allie quickly does. 

"No worries Red." Says Franky, kindly. Maybe uncharacteristically so.

"And hey, she adds, “if you need any distraction, nothing like some lady banging with Red.” 

"So close to a PG moment!" Says Allie, at the same time as Bea says "Fuck off, Franky."

Before she manages to disconnect the phone. Allie hears Franky's voice distantly say "fuck off? Don't you mean fuck on, Bea?"

Bea can't help but snort. Even though it's bloody typical.

She clasps Allie's hand in hers, pressing a grateful kiss to the younger women's knuckles, and pushing the doomed feeling away, for now in favour of a day's reprieve with her girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've finally pushed this elephant up the mountain but goodness knows what the end result looks like. Please, please let me know what you think. 
> 
> Title is borrowed from the lyric 'with tender eyes, my darling reprive' from the song 'Goodbye' by Dianne Reeves.


	15. (Coming all apart) inside of me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea and Allie try to cope with Bea’s impending court date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry this took forever and a day. It was an awful effort to get this anywhere beyond 208 words. For a while there the characters sounded completely unlike themselves and it was a pain in the backside trying to find them in this world once more! Hopefully it worked out okay.
> 
> Song is by the National. “You were a kindness.” Reflective if the pressure both Bea and Allie are feeling.
> 
> Please, please let me know what you thought.

Bea wakes up before her alarm and is immediately confronted by the usual dread. She tries desperately to put it aside. 

It’s only one month now. 

Usually, despite Allie’s best efforts, it’s the first thing Bea thinks of in the morning. But she tries to refocus on her still-sleeping girlfriend.

Bea can hear Allie’s soft breaths as she slumbers on next to her and she automatically turns around in the bed they share, seeking the comfort of just staring at her beautiful girlfriend.

Immediately, she cackles with laughter at the sight before her. Allie twitches, rousing at the sound. She leans over sleepily to press a kiss to Bea’s lips. And another. And another. Allie’s lips are soft and full, her body distractingly warm and utterly appealing as she coils herself around Bea.

“Good morning to you too, Queen Bea. Why the laughter?” She asks, between increasingly more intense kisses. Bea hears rather than registers the words, her mind hazy with Allie. Her lower belly becomes a warm knot of craving and she can’t help but press herself more closely against Allie’s pliant, warm body.

She smooths her hands under Allie’s t-shirt, feeling soft, warm skin. Then skirts her hands higher, rucking Allie’s T-shirt up. 

It isn’t until Allie breaks away to straighten then remove her top that Bea lets out a husky giggle once again. Because Bea’s lips are on Allie’s neck it’s an indistinct hum that gets lost in their next kiss. And the next.

Allie pulls back, her hands on Bea’s face. The older redhead blinks wordlessly at her, her earlier laughter forgotten. She wants only to feel Allie’s body against hers.

“Who knew you laughing at me Would feel so sexy.” Allie says, “Can you do that again?”

“You want me to laugh at you?” Bea says, returning to Allie’s neck to press sucking kisses against it before rolling her hands against Allie’s breasts. “God, Allie. Can’t multitask. Holding your gorgeous boobs.”

Allie laughs, but it’s a low sound that just builds heat within them both, Bea instinctively wraps her legs around Allie’s lower body until their cores meet. They both exhale loudly.

“Your T-shirt.” Bea murmurs as she moves her hands behind Allie’s backside to pull their lower bodies closer together. Allie moans loudly, her fingers coming out to circle Bea’s breasts.

“Huh? What about my...Can’t. Breasts.... multitasking.” Allie murmurs distracted. Because this is a different rhythm, a slower build. And she loves it.

Bea smiles, her mind empty and joyous, the dread, for now, chased away. “Love you.” She murmurs, pressing kisses to Allie’s face, her hands skidding down Allie’s ribcage. God, you’re so soft.”

“Love you.” Says Allie back. Her eyes warm and affectionate. “Love your face and your eyes and your sexy body, Bea.”

“Love that you never shut up.” Bea rasps back. And somehow when Allie moves against her again, she’s laughing. She buries it against Bea’s chest, and the hum fills Bea with ever more pressing warmth. 

“Oh my god. You’re so sexy, Allie.” She husks, moving against her with ever more purpose, rising on her hands to press herself against Allie where she needs it. Where they both do.

They both move in shudders, their rocking becoming more erratic. And then they’re both gasping, rocking together noisily and kissing luxuriously, their bodies slick with sweat. It’s loud when they finally come together. And somehow they both giggle themselves silly, caught up in the blissful high of having one another.

“Thank goodness Franky’s at Bridget’s” Says Allie, lying with her head cuddled into Bea’s chest.

Bea smiles up at her girlfriend, her face a little flushed. “Were we loud?” She queries, feigning not caring. But her cheeks are red as rubies.

“Yes Beautiful blushing Bea, we were.” Says Allie, pressing kisses to Bea’s cheeks. “That position always makes us noisy.”

Bea reaches up to kisses Allie’s brow. “Do you know one that doesn’t?” She enquires.

Allie giggles. “Okay. That one makes us especially loud.” She says. “Especially me.” She grins, without a shred of self-consciousness. 

“Does anything not make you loud?” Bea queries teasingly.

Allie huffs as if offended, but Bea can see her beautiful smile.

“Says the girl who woke me up laughing, ahem, loudly at me! What was that about?

Bea grins, hopping out of the bed to retrieve Allie’s white sleepshirt from the floor. She can feel Allie’s eyes on her as she returns to the bed, holding it aloft.

“This.” She says, nudging it toward Alllie.

Allie flips her shirt over, holding it against her chest. Emblazoned on the front are the words “Team Bea”

“Yes! Team Bea!” She says, sticking her tongue out at Bea. “There’s no better team.”

“I actually didn’t see that part.” Says Bea, flipping the shirt around. “It was your unfortunate puns that made me laugh.”

She gestures to the words. “Bea-cause she’s Bea-untiful.It’s.... so bad it’s good.” She continues, letting out a throaty chuckle.

“Where on earth did you even find that?” She continues. 

Allie grins at her. “Found a T-shirt printing place. It wouldn’t be be-neath me to have others.” She continues teasingly.

Bea giggles. “You win the supportive girlfriend prize. And the bad pun prize. And-“ she flushes, but continues speaking “-and the introducing-me-to-laughing-during sex prize.” She finishes.

Allie’s lips are next to Bea’s ear, her warm breath tickles. “Want to know a secret?” She says.

Bea just nods. In love with this thing that she has with Allie. In love with their in-jokes and being Allie’s person.

“Yeah?” She asks.

“You took my giggling-during-sex- virginity today.” Whispers Allie, and it should be funny, but for some reason it’s just hot.

“God Allie. You’re so sexy.” Bea says huskily.

And then they’re kissing again.

———

“Fucking stupid alarm!” Bea curses as they head down to the car.

“Interesting choice of words.” Says Allie, pressing a kiss to Allie’s cheek. “Given that it stopped us fucking. Or some nicer word for it.”

“Making love. Doin’ the deed. Filling the-“ giggling, Bea puts her hand over Allie’s mouth. “Hush you. I wasn’t asking for a list.” She says, but a laugh escapes at the way Allue’s eyebrows are comically raised and lowered.

Allie beams at her. “Love your laugh.” She says.

Bea smiles at Allie, pulling the younger blonde into a full body hug. “Thank you for, you know...” she says.

Allie looks up at Bea, her cheeks rosy-red and her smile decidedly cheeky.”

For the orgasms, or....”

Bea flushes bright red, hiding her head in Allie’s neck. She then moves her hands down Allie’s back until she reaches her butt, swatting at It. “Not that, cheeky.” She says. 

“I meant thank you for being Team Bea.” She adds.

“Course, it’s you.” Says Allie affectionately, pressing Bea’s palm to her lips before moving to the other side of the front seat to get into the car.

Once they’ve been on the road for a while, Allie decides to bite the bullet and ask Bea the question she put off asking this morning.

“Hate to ask but....What time is today’s appointment.”

Bea emits a gusty sigh, but answers. “5pm. Practice interview. They’re keeping the Lawyer’s office open late for me.” 

Allie reaches across the dashboard to clasp Bea’s knee, “Can I help, my love?”

Bea clasps her hand over Allie’s on her knee, award her hand is shaking a little. “Your existence is nothing but a help” she says. “Love you.”

Allie leans over the car seat, pressing a hard kiss to Bea’s cheek. “Love you too.” She says.

She’s seen Bea through the nightmares. Seen the dread in her eyes. The fear. The shame.

She hopes desperately that their love is enough.

———

When the front door slams at seven PM Allie nearly jumps out of her skin. She knows immediately that it was an especially bad statement review practice.

Generally, Bea’s sadness makes her go inward, get quiet and resigned. And in those nights Allie makes her food and cuddles her, runs her a bath, plays with her hair, keeps her fingers trailing comfortingly over her girlfriend.

But tonight, Bea’s every move is a slam. A crash. A metaphorical shout. 

“Fucking stupid fucking corkscrew!” 

An actual shout, then.

She walks into the kitchen and finds Bea nursing what appears to be a whisky and cocks an eyebrow, sitting across the kitchen table from her girlfriend. 

“Straight into the liquor cabinet?” She asks, but without judgement. She’s never really seen Bea resort to drinking to cope before.

“Yes.” Says Bea shortly. 

“Whisky?” She queries again.

Bea gestures to the corkscrew next to her, which remains half-embedded in a cork which is still sealing up a wine bottle.

“the fucking corkscrew was defective. This was easier to open.” She says, taking a sip of her whisky and shuddering. “God, this tastes like shit.” She crinkles up her face, disgusted. Then she takes another sip.

Allie snuggles into Bea, pressing kisses to her cheek. “I’m so sorry.” She says. “I wish I could help. Wanna tell me about it.”

Bea shrugs. “Don’t know, you might come out of it thinking I’m a weakling.”

Allie simply shakes her head, pulling her jersey over her head. “Nope, Team Bea.” She says, gesturing to her t-shirt. 

Bea husks out a reluctant laugh at the caption. “Bea-tween you and me, I’m team Bea.” It proclaims.

Allie cuddles back into Bea. “Want to tell me about it now we both know whose team I’m on?” She asks.

Bea swigs at her whisky, shuddering again. “I want to but I don’t want to. That’s why I’m drinking. She cocks the glass at Allie. “Want some?”

Allie doesn’t want to bore Bea with the realities of cross addiction, but no sooner has she shaken her head Bea seems to remember.

“Shit Allie. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t be offering you booze.”

Allie shakes her head dismissively “Don’t worry about it. I don’t even like whisky.” She dismisses. 

Instead she kisses Bea, tasting the alcohol on her, but more than that, the shame.

“In what way did our adversarial justice system fuck you over today?” She asks.

“Bea takes another swig if her whisky, and another. “Implied I liked bein’ abused because I stayed. An’ somehow made it my fault that Harry knocked the shit out of me. Like I provoked him.”

Allie strokes Bea’s face in her hands. “but it’s not, Bea. It’s the stupid system. And it’s going to put him away.”

Bea’s grasp in Allie becomes firmer, all of a sudden. “What if it doesn’t?” She asks.

“It will.” Says Allie.

“But what if it doesn’t.” Says Bea insistently.

“Then we’ll learn Kung Fu and beat the shit out of him.” Says Allie finally. 

Amidst the laughter that follows there’s a seething underbelly of panic. It’s in the way Allie strokes Bea’s face. It’s in Bea’s anger, the slammed doors, the whisky consumption.

Because, what if the unspeakable happens and Harry walks free? 

It’s an echo to the question that they both know will last. 

At least one long month more.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written much before, but Allie and Bea have got me for good.
> 
> the incorporation of Maria into Allie's early backstory made me want to add Bea in as well, with a few changes and ghosts of her own. So here goes!


End file.
